Dying at an increasingly rapid pace

Q. What does it feel like to be dying?

A. I am tired. I am dying. I have been dying for a long time – in fact, ever since I took my first breath more than 82 years ago. But last Friday (Aug. 10, 2007) when the hematologist/oncologist reported that I had acute leukemia, that any treatment at my stage in life was highly questionable, and that I had from three weeks to three months to settle my affairs, I have been dying at an increasingly rapid pace.

What does it feel like to know you are dying? I have an increasingly bitter taste for the all-so-common question: “How are you?” I know people mean well, but with a good bit of carnality left in my spirit I’m tempted to say: “You wouldn’t want to know.” Or, “Don’t even ask; I feel lousy!” Or, “Just wait until you know you’re dying and ask yourself that question.” Little better are the cheery words of the Pep Boys cashier who takes my money for an oil filter and sends me on my way with, “Have a good day!”

What does it feel like to be dying? I see a healthy man or woman walking briskly down the sidewalk or street and I say to myself: “I wish I had a body as fit as that.” Then I quickly remind myself that I had a healthy body like that for more years than I deserved. And I tell myself that I have no idea what other lurking shadows may possess the person whose body I momentarily envy.

What does it feel like to be dying? I’m in line at a store and someone ahead of me is complaining to the cashier about something and delaying my exit. And this now self-possessed mind of mine says inwardly: “Mister, what you’re complaining about is of no importance when you’re dying. Hit the road and let me out of here.” And then that tender voice of the Spirit says to me: “Relax, Marvin, that man along with everybody else around you has no way of knowing what’s really, really important.”

What does it feel like to be dying? Sad to say, church services become troublesome. Every hymn and Scripture passage seem to be pointing fingers at me. This morning, the first Sunday after my diagnosis, I went to church and sat in one of the back pews while the announcement was made about my plight. The sermon text from Luke 24 was about hating mother, father, and children for the sake of the Gospel. But I heard something in the text I had never heard before. It talks about loving yourself – your body – more than Jesus. So I took the sinner’s place.

While sitting in that next-to-the-back pew, we were asked to stand to sing. I remained seated. An unknowing but well-meaning elderly man tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Stand up for Jesus!” Moments later a woman left her seat, came to the almost empty pew where I was sitting and without any words joined me and held my hand for a few minutes. There was a load of pastoral history behind that move. After the worship service most of the members of our small group Bible Study surrounded me and expressed their love. Knowing you are dying isn’t all that bad!

What does it feel like to know you’re dying? A sense of extreme gratefulness overwhelms me when I receive calls, emails, and personal visits from friends around the world. I’m reminded that the good Lord has not only enabled me to minister to churches and people around the world but has given me friends in every part of the world – people who love and appreciate me more than I deserve. “My lines have fallen in pleasant places” is not just the title of my memoirs but a God-given treasure for which I’m intensely grateful. Today a long-time friend flew 3,000 miles to pay me a last visit. I’m grateful.

God uses a variety of people as messengers of love. I walked into the golf pro shop to pay my green fees and the pro said, “Mr. Hein, come into my office.” He took a card and wrote on the back, “Marv Hein – Green fees and cart – unlimited golf” and signed his name.

What does it feel like to be dying? I’ve become aware that even my physical life is a gift. It has been loaned to me. The loan is maturing.

I haven’t been through Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief. I haven’t been angry with God. I have no quarrel with him. He is a good God. I resonate with the words of Michael Behe who was quoted in a July 31, 2007 issue of WORLD magazine: “I’m a Christian who believes strongly in an active, loving God. Yet as Aslan, is ‘not a tame lion.’ God answered Job’s complaint of suffering not by denying it, but by his majesty and transcendence. God did not place us in a toy world, with all the sharp edges removed. Rather, along with the pleasant, he designed a world containing real physical danger: tigers with claws and remarkable parasites with sophisticated molecular technology. We Christians especially should expect to suffer in this life and, much worse, to witness those dear to us suffer. Yet our faith assures us that through the mystery of suffering with Christ, God will draw out much good.”

Writers use the number 30 to indicate the end of an article. This is “30” for this author. By the time you read these lines I will have all the answers to all the questions you might ever ask. But you’ll need to wait to find the answers!

Editor’s note: Marvin Hein submitted this, his final “Inquiring Minds” column to the Christian Leader on Aug. 16, 2007. He requested that it be published after his death. Marvin died Jan. 5, 2008.