Letters to the editor

Mennonite Brethren Herald welcomes your letters on issues relevant to the Mennonite Brethren Church, especially in response to material published in the Herald. Please keep your letters courteous, brief and about one subject only. We will edit letters for length and clarity. We will not publish letters sent anonymously, although we may withhold names from publication at the request of the letter writer and at our discretion. Publication is also subject to space limitations. Because the Letters column is a free forum for discussion, it should be understood that letters represent the position of the letter writer, not necessarily the position of the Herald or the Mennonite Brethren Church. Send letters to: Letters, MB Herald 1310 Taylor Ave. Winnipeg, Man.  R3M 3Z6 or send via e-mail. (Please ensure that your postal address is included in your e-mail correspondence.)

Waiting for marriage

Re “Let’s talk about sex” (June). I’m a 24-year-old virgin. No, it hasn’t been easy. No, I can’t take all the credit for avoiding premarital sex. I think all the guys I’ve dated knew if I committed a sin that huge, I’d be in hysterics for weeks and, really, who wants to deal with that?

I’m getting married soon. We’ve been dating for three years. I think (bless him) he was more motivated by his own integrity than my potential breakdown.

Plus, I think he was scared of sex. I’m scared of sex. On one hand, I almost envy all those couples that have “oopsed” and have one less thing to worry about on the wedding day. I’m jealous of the way their big event happened “naturally,” and I’m afraid mine may feel rather forced. On the other hand, not all those couples end up married, and that “oops” is just another brick in their baggage.

On that same hand, when my fiancé and I get married, we can have sex without qualms. I won’t be second-guessing myself and ruining my own fun. We can have sex without fear; the sparkly ring on my hand means a pile of paperwork and hassle for him to abandon me, or vice versa. We can have sex knowing that our relationship is built on more than just mechanical bits and physical pleasure. Neither he nor I have to worry about being any good. Neither of us knows what “good” entails. Every time we have sex, it’ll be the best sex of our lives.

Now that I think about it, one of these hands is fuller than the other.

Name withheld by request,
Abbotsford, B.C.

“Evangelical” means something

Re “A modest proposal for a tired word.” (Intersection, May). James Toews writes, “There is nothing that identifies evangelicalism.” I heartily disagree. The term evangelical has been used to distinguish between Bible-believing Christians and those who are theologically liberal. The term denotes a worldview that’s foolishness to the scientific establishment, and a stumbling block to the politically correct; it’s a worldview based on a God who is not only love, but also all-powerful and holy. To say the word is meaningless is to downplay the distinctives of biblical Christianity. It’s not the word evangelical that has become tired; it’s our spirituality that has become lukewarm.

Kenneth Affleck,
New Westminster, B.C.

Preventing divorce

Re “Divorce” (May). Thank you for your courage in producing an issue on divorce, with its recognition that Christians are as prone as others. I was delighted to hear there are programs for the children as well as spouses, but what about divorce prevention? Are young people hearing about sex from the Song of Songs, or are they limited to what they see on TV? Is there regular teaching from the pulpit on the handling of money, since sex and finance are the two major sources of marital conflict? Is there teaching (besides once a year on Mother’s Day) on respect for women? What are we hearing about confession and forgiveness (and when not to forgive)? What kind of pre-marriage and post-marriage counselling are we offering?

D.J. Stewart,
Vancouver, B.C.

Work together, stay together

Re “Divorce” (May). To avoid divorce, couples should do dishes together. When my wife and I moved to Kamloops, it became my duty to wash dishes and clean the counters on Sunday. Then, when we could afford an electric dishwasher and the grown children were out of the house, Mary stacked the dishes into the dishwasher and my job was to wash the pots and pans and keep the counters clean. We’re still happily married.

To avoid divorce, households should work together.

Norman Fehr,
Kamloops, B.C.

Consider divorce mediation

Re “Divorce” (May). I read these articles with great interest, as approximately half my law practice is family law litigation and mediation work. I particularly noted the difference in perspective between Jane O. and Jason T., regarding their experiences of marriage breakdown. Jane O. told her story from a relational perspective – the pain of loss and the impact on her sense of identity – whereas the words “financial cost” and “legal and counselling fees” filled the few brief paragraphs Jason T. penned.

My observation over 28 years of legal practice is that Jason’s perspective is pretty common among men. It seems to stem from a sense that financial contributions to the marriage and family are of greater importance than other contributions, and that the assets and lifestyle purchased with the husband’s earnings are somehow “his” and need to be protected.

Wives, if they’re also mothers, often feel more possessive about their children than the physical assets of the marriage, which is usually expressed in language about what is best for them or protecting them from emotional harm.

Separation and divorce present a huge challenge to those two mindsets, and the natural instinct for people is to go into self-protection mode. Fear about the future and loss of respect and trust towards one another causes separating spouses to behave badly towards each other. This can make the entire experience more emotionally painful and financially expensive than it already must be.

Wherever possible, I strongly encourage separating couples to consider mediation or collaborative family law as an alternative to the traditional court system.

Ted Dueck,
Waterloo, Ont.

Find mentors for cheaters

Re: “Do Christian students cheat too?” (News, April). As a former instructor of academic English at a Canadian university, I’ve thought much about academic integrity. One article I read used the laws of probability to prove that students take a good gamble when the penalty for plagiarism is a lower grade on the paper,  a zero for the paper, or a failure in the class. Only when the penalty for plagiarism was dismissal from the university did plagiarism become a poor gamble.

Penalties, although necessary, don’t effectively promote academic honesty. All forms of cheating are heart problems. Thus, the best remedy for students in Mennonite Brethren educational institutions caught plagiarizing is that they be placed in an extended mentor relationship with a senior member of the student body or faculty. In my experience, the two most common causes of plagiarism are poor time management and lack of guts (to get all those commas, periods, and italics just right). A word of encouragement to a discouraged student or an extra few minutes of coaching in academic research skills can go a long way.

Linda-Ruth Dyck,
Lethbridge, Alta.

A berry good piece

Re “Pie auction” (Features, June). What an excellent piece of writing Wally Kroeker has given us in his confessions of a saskatoon berry lover! I now live in B.C., and the only “stoons” I get are the ones my dear sister picks for me in the Thompson Okanagan area of the province.

I will dab the drool off the page, dry it, clip it, and file it in my “favourite stories” folder and wave it in the face of my beloved wife the next time she bakes a wild blackberry pie only to cart it off to some fundraiser.

Terry Friesen,
Abbotsford, B.C.

Freeing ideas

Re “Paul Hiebert’s contribution to mission: a tribute” (People and Events, June). I agree that the Christian community lost a great spokesperson for truth in Paul Hiebert’s recent death. Dr. Hiebert’s writings significantly influenced my thinking about the Christian life. About 20 years ago, I heard him lecture on evangelism and mission in mathematical terms of bounded and centred sets.

In a bounded set, the focus is on keeping the boundaries well-defined. In the Christian community, people with such a mentality emphasize the qualifications of being a Christian. You are a Christian if you believe in certain doctrinal statements, understand those statements, are committed to them, and have made specific lifestyle changes. You know clearly when conversion took place and can use certain God-language. People with a bounded set mentality emphasize numbers of people and “corralling” them behind a particular doctrinal or denominational fence.

In a centred set, according to Hiebert, the focus is on the direction of movement towards the centre, the person Jesus Christ, rather than on fences. Distance from the centre is not as important as movement towards it. Bounded sets are static; centred sets are dynamic.

Hearing Dr. Hiebert was a mind-opening and spirit-freeing experience. I felt freed from being concerned about who’s in, who’s out, and to recognize the Word can be made flesh in any culture but with different nuances. I’m grateful for Dr. Hiebert’s boldness in thinking through the Christian worldview.

Katie Funk Wiebe,
Wichita, Kan.