The art of friendship

Do we have good friends? Am I a good friend? How does a good friend act?

In the book of Job, friendship is discussed and acted out by four individuals whose longstanding relationship is under severe strain.

Job was a wealthy Old Testament character who lived a life pleasing to God (1:8), a life of integrity and generosity. Through no fault of his, he lost all his wealth and all his children in a single day. Not long after, he lost his health as well. Everyone deserted him except his wife and three friends, Bildad, Zophar, and Eliphaz.

The friends concluded that such catastrophe could only befall someone who had sinned greatly. They even visited Job to tell him so. The bulk of the book of Job contains an argument between Job and his friends about who was responsible for his misfortune.

In chapter 6, Job critiques his friends’ method of comforting him, and outlines the qualities of a true friend.

1. A friend is loyal (6:14)

A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. How should loyalty express itself? On a positive note, Eliphaz, Zophar, and Bildad set themselves apart by taking time to travel, visit, and spend time with their friend Job (2:11–13). When catastrophe strikes, friends take time to sit, listen, grieve.

In his biblical commentary, Norman C. Habel suggests that Job wanted his friends to advocate on his behalf before God. In other words, loyalty means a friend should keep faith in God alive when the despairing person loses faith. Job wanted his friends to pray and argue with God about the treatment to which he had been subjected. At the end of the book, God agrees with Job that friends pray for each other (42:8–10).

2. A friend should help us feel better (6:15–21)

Job describes the despair of desert travellers who confidently approach a known water source, only to find that it’s dried up. Job, abandoned by everyone other than his wife (19:13–20), must have felt greatly comforted by the arrival of his three friends, by their weeping for him (2:12), and by their sitting silently with him for seven days (2:13). What a letdown to be told that his misfortune was his own fault!

3. A friend tells the truth even though it hurts (6:24–25)

Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong. How painful are honest words!

Job wanted to be encouraged, but not at the expense of truth.

The writer of Proverbs says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (27:6). Friends know us, and therefore know we aren’t perfect. Do we each have a friend who has permission to point out these imperfections to us? The proverb suggests that people who only give compliments aren’t our friends – they’re our enemies!

4. A friend listens carefully, researches the facts, and weighs the corrective words (6:25–30)

Job’s friends committed a glaring error when they concluded that Job had been very wicked (22:4–11) without first researching to see whether this was so. There is no evidence that they asked Job whether he had, in fact, sinned. There is no evidence that they conducted any interviews in the village to support their conclusion before they pronounced judgment upon him. Because they felt they understood the mind of God (5:17–27), they ignored Job’s protests that he had done no wrong.

“How painful are honest words!” A surgeon makes a painful cut with a knife, but works hard to make the cut in the right place and to make it no larger than necessary. A surgeon’s cut without careful deliberation is likely to cause unnecessary suffering for the patient. In the same way, because words of correction are painful, they must be carefully considered before they’re given to the suffering one.

A good friend is loyal, prays, encourages, carefully investigates, and then speaks the truth, however painful. Do we have such a friend? If so, Job would say we’re most fortunate. And are we such a friend?

Job 6:14–30 (NIV)

¹⁴ “A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. ¹⁵ But my brothers are as undependable as intermittent streams, as the streams that overflow ¹⁶ when darkened by thawing ice and swollen with melting snow, ¹⁷ but that cease to flow in the dry season, and in the heat vanish from their channels. ¹⁸ Caravans turn aside from their routes; they go up into the wasteland and perish. ¹⁹ The caravans of Tema look for water, the traveling merchants of Sheba look in hope. ²⁰ They are distressed, because they had been confident; they arrive there, only to be disappointed. ²¹ Now you too have proved to be of no help; you see something dreadful and are afraid. ²² Have I ever said, ‘Give something on my behalf, pay a ransom for me from your wealth, ²³ deliver me from the hand of the enemy, ransom me from the clutches of the ruthless’? ²⁴ “Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong. ²⁵ How painful are honest words! But what do your arguments prove? ²⁶ Do you mean to correct what I say, and treat the words of a despairing man as wind? ²⁷ You would even cast lots for the fatherless and barter away your friend. ²⁸ “But now be so kind as to look at me. Would I lie to your face? ²⁹ Relent, do not be unjust; reconsider, for my integrity is at stake. ³⁰ Is there any wickedness on my lips? Can my mouth not discern malice?

Marvin Dyck is pastor at Crossroads MB Church, Winnipeg.