Does good conflict exist?

The recent pastoral trends survey conducted by the Canadian MB Conference indicates that one in ten pastors cite “inadequate conflict management skills” as the reason they left pastoral ministry. Some might look at that statistic and argue one in ten isn’t bad. Some people just don’t like conflict.

But adequate conflict management skills can be learned, even by those who don’t like conflict. Pastors in particular and people in general can grow in their ability to harness the catalytic potential of conflict and avert conflict’s destructive power. Three things can contribute to healthier approaches to church conflict:

1. The belief that well-handled conflict makes an important contribution to the church

If we view all conflict as sin, we’ll avoid it at all costs. Yet not all conflict is sin. Developing a healthy attitude towards non-sin conflict is vital. In fact, something very good could come out of it. In Acts 15:1–35, for example, disagreements were given voice and consensus resulted in the establishment of new patterns that seemed acceptable to all, including the Holy Spirit.

Useful parallels can be drawn between conflict and fire. As Edgar Stoesz notes in Doing Good Better, an uncontrolled fire can be deadly, yet a controlled fire cooks, warms, cleanses, and smelts.

By addressing and resolving conflicts, individuals and groups develop internal rigour, enhance mutual understanding, sharpen their mandates, and deal proactively with important issues. Conversely, broken relationships, patently unsatisfying emotions, loss of momentum, failure to achieve goals, and pastoral resignations all flow from unaddressed conflict.

2. Patterns for directing conflict towards positive outcomes

Most churches don’t have well-developed mechanisms for dealing with non-sin conflict. If asked what their conflict resolution mechanism is, they may cite Matthew 18:15–17. But this text specifically addresses sinful behaviour.

Churches need an Acts 15:1–35 model as well.

Conflict resolution patterns may be thought of as a set of simple rules that harness a conflict with a view to directing it towards a positive outcome. These “simple rules” can be compared to lines painted on a highway that direct the flow of traffic. The lines reduce confusion and accidents. In a similar way, “painting lines” for conflicts – that is, introducing mediation patterns – increases the likelihood of positive outcomes to conflict.

There are two patterns or models that are good starting points for mediators: the success model (sometimes called the problem solving model) and the transformation model. The two models seek different ends. The success model attempts to improve a disputant’s situation, whereas the transformation model is interested in improving the disputants themselves.

Mediators can’t know in advance precisely how to prepare for each possible type of mediation. Instead, like experienced carpenters who have a variety of tools in their toolboxes and are able to select the appropriate tool for the task, mediators are able to draw on experience, intuition, and common sense in cobbling together mediation models for the conflicts they mediate.

3. Effective mediators

Mediators are made, not born. They may possess helpful innate qualities and personal characteristics (like courage or people skills) that make them well-suited for the job, but most mediation skills are learned.

The skill set must include, for example, the capacity to help disputants see the difference between interests and positions. Consider the example of a man and woman quarrelling over an orange. When neither would give in, they decided to slice the orange in half. The man took his half, ate the fruit, and threw away the peel. The woman took her half, used the peel to make a cake, and threw away the fruit.

The myopic tendency of disputants embroiled in conflict is to merely divide the assets in question to reach a fair solution. In the case of the coveted orange, half of it was wasted!

An effective mediator, focused on interests rather than positions, would have determined that one wanted the peel, the other the fruit. Effective mediators learn skills that create space for productive conflicts.

Conflict is part of daily life, even life in the church. Some people fear conflict, while others put conflict to work. The latter do so largely because they believe that well-handled conflict can make an important contribution to the church. They tend to have established patterns for dealing with conflict. And they readily rely on and even train effective mediators.

Ron Toews is assistant professor of leadership studies at MBBS–ACTS, Langley, B.C. Ron and his wife Dianne have four adult children.