When the fire burns out

“Mr. Brown, I’m finished. I’ll continue in the ministry until the end of the month and then I’m done.” It was a simple three-minute conversation ending a 24-year career in the ministry and beginning the greatest struggle of my life. How did it come to that?

It began with my own personal search for God, which led to the teaching of Herbert W. Armstrong and the Worldwide Church of God. At the time, the church was caught up in a form of Old Testament legalism, and works righteousness was woven into everything I did and taught.

In the course of those 24 years I ministered from Vancouver to St. John’s. The assignments were not easy, but I believed wholeheartedly that I served the “one true church” and taught the “one true gospel.”

The pastoral flame was already sputtering when the belief system on which I had based my life came tumbling down. After Armstrong’s death in 1986, the church began a doctrinal review. What I’d taught about “born again,” about the gospel, about what was necessary for salvation, was wrong. In fact, 18 distinctives of the church were wrong!

For the next three years, virtually every sermon and Bible study was directed at dismantling old doctrine or introducing new. Sometimes there were shouting matches. I remember a women saying, “You destroyed our family!”

I grieved over the jobs lost because of my preaching. I was heartbroken for families that had separated because of wrong teaching. I felt such a burden for the congregations I served. I also began to sense that something was missing. Romans 8:16 says, “The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” I didn’t have that inner assurance.

I began to break down emotionally. To fight insomnia and night sweats I mixed alcohol and sleeping pills. Sometimes I read cheap novels late into the night. Anything to escape the pain inside. A friend in the ministry committed suicide about that time and I saw myself edging down the same path. I knew I needed out of the ministry, but believed to do so was to deny God’s calling.

What goes through the mind of the “burnt out”? Despondency, disillusionment, self-loathing, anger. I was angry with the church even though it was now opening the door to God’s grace. I was angry at Herbert Armstrong and others who had introduced false teaching. I felt misled, abused, used. I was angry with God. Where was he when I prayed and fasted for guidance during those years?

In desperation I finally sought professional help, took the prescribed antidepressants, and faced the reality of being unemployed and unemployable.

Why were other pastors able to maintain their flame whereas I could not? I don’t know, but I do have some thoughts for the weary pastor.

1. Focus on the work Christ has given you and let him do the work he has set for himself. Sometimes we carry people’s burdens that Jesus intended them to bear.
2. Draw boundaries between your ministry and your personal life. A church social is not focused family time. Church functions do not count as marital dates. An extra hour in the office is not a good substitute for an hour in the gym.
3. This leads to a simple corollary: take your days off and use your vacation time. It’s given for your personal and family wellbeing. Consider it given by God.
4. When your flame flickers, seek counsel. Don’t be stopped by fear or pride.
5. If the relationship between you and the congregation or church board is not working, seek reconciliation but don’t force the relationship. An amicable separation is better for everyone.
6. Examine your relationship with Christ. Perhaps a personal “doctrinal review” is in order. In the midst of my anger, tears, and fears, I finally came to Jesus on the basis of his finished work at Calvary, not my own feeble efforts.

A word to the congregation. It isn’t helpful to show up at a person’s workplace and say, “Ministers can’t quit,” or “You’re throwing away your gifts.” Such comments reduced me to tears. My confidence was gone.

The people who helped me most were the brothers who gave me a summer job handling cement forms and pounding nails; the office manager who let me bring coffee and just talk; my wife, who was willing to go back to school and then work full-time; my family, who gathered around to hold me when I cried.

I spent three years going from Genesis to Revelation, re-examining my beliefs. I sat in the back row of a church being fed and learning what it means to be a church member. I learned my own need for a loving pastor.

It took time to get right with God and with myself. One day a church in our community asked if I could fill their pulpit for a few weeks while they looked for a new pastor. Since then I’ve preached in at least 10 churches in our community and am now in my sixth interim position.

Now I can answer the question, “Where was God?”

God was there all the time.

Terrence Roth is a member of the MB Valleyview Bible Church, Kamloops, B.C. He provides pulpit supply and interim pastoring to churches in the area.