Behind the curtain

Beyond the visible interactions of any intersection are countless stories of calamity and grace hidden from casual gaze. But every once in a while, we hear stories that pull back the curtain – just a bit. This is one of those.

She popped into our world 16 years ago, a tiny bundle of energy barely two years old. What did we see? The things you normally see when a new family joins the church. Three children, a mom and a dad, moving to a new city, trying to carve out life. They quickly became a big part of a small church.

God’s work in my life began when I was really young. When I was three, my family hit rock bottom and my parents got a divorce. All I remember is leaving home in a cop car with the clothes on my back. There were complicated and horrible circumstances leading to and following the divorce but God brought us through it with a few miracles and the help of the church.

“. . . and the help of the church?” Family calamities are part of life. They tear at the heart, but they happen. What did we do? Mostly just help them move a couple times, packing boxes with a gnawing, nameless ache in the gut.

When I was four I decided to accept Jesus as my Saviour. My sister was five and Mom was explaining to her how God had given his Son to die for our sins. . . . She said we had to tell God we believe he had done this, thank him for it, and ask him to enter our hearts. This was a sweet deal and I wanted in. My sister prayed this prayer with my mom, but I was super shy, so I ran into my room and into the closet and asked Jesus to forgive me and come into my life. He did. Later my mom asked me if I’d prayed about it; I told her no.

Her mother told our care group that her daughter had asked Jesus into her heart. I remember thinking that five was too young to mean much. I don’t think we ever heard of the other secret conversion.

When I was five I had an older friend who was close to the family. When he molested me I felt dirty, worthless, and most of all, guilty. . . . Even though it seemed unforgivable, I prayed that God would set me free from what that boy had done. He did. At five years old I hung onto Jesus instead of my problem and I began to understand what God’s grace is.

What does a child really understand about God’s forgiveness? When did she learn that lesson? We had no idea this had happened. But I remember a perplexed Sunday school teacher asking me what she should do about this child that seemed to be bouncing off the walls. I don’t recall having good advice.

When I was about seven my dad told me he was gay. I didn’t know what that meant. “Like you’re happy?” “No . . .” He had to explain to me what it meant to be homosexual. That was interesting. I wouldn’t wish it on any seven-year-old. I needed to pray about it a lot and God reassured me that it wasn’t something I needed to worry about, and it wasn’t my fault. As a daughter, it was my job to love my dad no matter what he said or did. Jesus had already shown me this kind of love, so I knew how to share it with others.

We knew about her father before she did. How is it that a man gets married, has children, rages against the decay of our world, and then one day declares he is gay? It hurts the brain. But it happens and we move on. She, however, has nowhere to move. This is her father.

One time I really got off track with God was when I started thinking about university. It was around the end of grade 11. My friends, classmates, and I were beginning to get anxious about post-secondary. Grade 12 seemed like our last chance to really make ourselves count. . . . I’m so grateful for the sanity God gave me throughout the year because I was all over the place.

“One time I really got off track with God. . . .” Who would have known? That detour was just as hidden as the chaos and pain had been.

She graduated from high school in June. Three weeks earlier, at a city-wide youth event, she had shared her story.

The graduation celebrated her achievements. The story, however, pulled back the curtain a little and revealed a sliver of God’s kingdom work. May you be as blessed by this glimpse as I was.

James Toews is pastor at Neighbourhood Church, Nanaimo, B.C.