The man’s church, the man’s soul

Why Men Hate Going to Church David Murrow. Nelson Books, 2005. 224 pages.

John Neufeld

When asked to review Why Men Hate Going to Church, I hesitated. Books with a pop psychology “feel” in the title do little to attract me. Unfortunately, for the most part my suspicions were confirmed.

I was entertained, provoked and annoyed. I felt talked down to and challenged to prove the author wrong. So in many ways Murrow succeeded, for I was engaged and made to think about a topic he says is the most urgent one American (and Canadian?) churches have to address. Except that I think he is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Murrow states that this book is written for female readers who, according to his research, make up two-thirds of ministry leaders and 60 percent of worship service attenders. He bases most of his work on the findings of the Barna Group and the “U.S. Congregational Life Survey.” While some might dismiss the book because the numbers don’t represent Canadian Mennonite Brethren reality, the numbers are probably not far off the mark for us as well.

The book’s thesis is transparent and simple: “today’s church has developed a culture that is driving men away.” Shortly after identifying men as the primary subject, the author enlarges the category of “men” to include most of the young adults who are not choosing church.

Having baptized young adults (both male and female) into the book’s focus, Murrow expands the thesis, saying, “I believe women and older adults flock to church because it speaks to their hearts. It’s built around their values. But, men and young adults skip church because many congregations ignore or vilify their values.”

Murrow does an admirable job with the problems he identifies, but his analysis rarely moves beyond gender-based stereotypes and a surface examination of church stylistics. A more penetrating analysis of the absence of men and young adults that reflects on major culture shifts is absent. Reading this book, one would almost think church has changed and culture has not.

The author leans heavily on stereotypes and caricatures of both men and women. Virtually every page includes statements like “Although males have not completely abandoned the church manly men have all but disappeared” (Murrow’s emphasis). A thoughtful reader’s first critique should be of Murrow’s understanding of the male as a guy who is like Red Green.

Murrow’s book provokes the very important question of the relevancy of the church at the beginning of the 21st century. He does not make the mistake of confusing the relevancy of the church with the relevancy of the message of Jesus and God’s project of restoring broken people and a broken world. However, he offers little help beyond recovery of a “masculine” Christianity.

The missed opportunity in this book is the question about ecclesiology (the purpose and nature of the church). This, it seems to me, is the fundamental question.

To be fair, Why Men Hate Going To Church intends to make practical and pragmatic suggestions for addressing the gender gap in today’s church. Murrow’s reflections on the feminization of worship will address the interests of some men and women who find church style and content has tilted too far to one side. Similarly, the other examples in his 90-plus pages of suggestions will be helpful to some and unhelpful to others.

This book is not about changing men, but about changing the church for a certain kind of man. It would be easy to dismiss it (I certainly have been tempted) because it feels hopelessly out of touch with my world. But the author undoubtedly speaks for many who see the world as he does. And if we are serious about challenging thousands of people described by this book to follow Jesus, we must take seriously the challenge of being the kind of church that will reach them.

Perhaps what annoys me even more than the simplistic pop psychology of this book, however, is the church’s lack of interest in addressing the real problems Murrow raises.

John Neufeld, of Winnipeg, launched “Hearing the Call,” a project of MBBS that calls out and mentors youth toward ministry.

Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul John Eldredge. Nelson Books, 2006 (pb.) 224 pages.

Conrad Stoesz

John Eldredge, former faculty member at Focus on the Family Institute, says he wrote Wild at Heart to give men permission to be who they are. Men long for adventure, battles and a beauty (woman), but today’s men are told by the church and society to be moral, domestic, dutiful, responsible – that is, “nice guys.”

Men are like caged lions, says Eldredge, who have lost the essence of what they once were. They are no longer wild, fierce and passionate as God created them. They long to be more like the warrior freedom fighter William Wallace in Braveheart than Mother Teresa. Jesus himself, with his robe dipped in blood and mounted on a white horse wielding a double-edged sword, is Eldredge’s example of true masculinity.

Eldredge also writes about the important role of men in passing on masculinity to their sons. Boys need to be taken out by their fathers and given permission and encouraged to play dangerously, not just to play safe. If we do not allow our sons the opportunity to discover their God-given passion, he says, we will emasculate them. He believes we should instruct our sons to stand up to bullies, to hit “as hard as you possibly can.”

It is fear in men, says Eldredge, that keeps them from fulfilling who they were intended to be. In their hearts they long for a fight, for adventure and to rescue a beauty, but they hide behind their personalities and their offices where they have things under control. Fearful men do not stand up for what is right and just.

Eldredge explains that each man carries with him a wound and that this wound must be healed for him to become a real man. God helps us, by taking us into our wound and thwarting the false self and things we have hidden behind.

I agree with Eldredge’s concerns about engaging men in the church and identify with points such as men’s need to seek adventure, but I found this book problematic on several levels. As a member of a peace church, I cannot agree with his view of masculinity, who Jesus was or how we should deal with violence. Another problem is his reliance on movies for examples of masculinity. Why should we rely on Hollywood to tell us what makes a man?

Conrad Stoesz works as an archivist at the Centre for Mennonite Brethren Studies and the Mennonite Heritage Centre, in Winnipeg.