Not married?

I’d like to say for the record that I’m not against people marrying and having children and so on. I’d like to be one of those people someday.

But I can’t help noticing, as a single, that church culture is predominantly family and marriage oriented. While I’m sure there are churches more welcoming to singles than to families, I simply say that because of the law of averages. I’m only just less sure there are churches more welcoming to squirrels because in the wide, wide world there must be one somewhere.

Granted, most “singles pressure” doesn’t come directly from the church. It often starts with family. Your aunts and grandmothers will ask if there are any special ladies in your life (or, in fits of nostalgia, ask – five times in one conversation – why you broke up with that girl they liked so much). Your mom will ask if she should set an extra place when you come over for dinner, either insinuating that you need to put on some weight or you should be bringing someone home.

Friends are generally supportive, but it’s at friends’ weddings that your single status becomes truly frustrating. And of course, there are all those movies, television shows and songs reminding you life is truly worthwhile once you find your soulmate.

Most of the pressure on single Christians doesn’t come from within the church. But we as a body of Christ sometimes find it hard to help. When I travel and meet single people in churches across the denominational spectrum, the universal complaint I hear is that they are not recognized by their church in a meaningful way. More specifically, they are not recognized for who they are.

It is assumed about Christian singles that they don’t (or shouldn’t) want to be unmarried. Genesis 2:18 (“It is not good for the man to be alone”) is often misinterpreted as God saying that to be married is always better than the alternative. I don’t believe that’s the case. Neither did Paul, as he stated in 1 Corinthians 7:8 (“It is good . . . to stay unmarried, as I do.”) In fact, Paul goes on to wish that all people could be single as he is.

The majority of single people I’ve met would like to be married but many are (or are becoming) realistic about not going to the altar. Churches need to support that. If even one couple marry simply because they’re more afraid of being alone, it’s a travesty. No one should forego “I do” in favour of “you’ll do.”

Most churches do try to help. There are support groups for divorce care or widowers or even the occasional singles group, but single people as a demographic can easily be ignored in the church’s preaching and activities. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, family picnics and a myriad of other events are designed to cater to the families within a church.

I’m not suggesting we cancel these events, nor am I suggesting we create a Not A Mother By Choice Day, Never Felt Led To Be A Father Day, or One Person Per Car Picnic. The object is to counter the marginalization singles feel in the world at large.

I’m not experienced or wise enough to have a solution ready. My best suggestion to churches is to keep singles in your consciousness, both as a congregation and as individuals. Preach messages to and create events for families, but let singles know they aren’t wrong, strange or unwanted. And don’t ask them why they broke up with their last girlfriend or boyfriend five times in one conversation. That’s just plain mean.

Kerry O’Brien is a member of Waterloo (Ont.) MB church. He is 26 and single. He lives with a young married couple and thinks marriage is cool.