Family and love: lessons in Ordinary

Love and marriage, love and marriage . . . I can’t get that song out of my head! It’s irritating when a simple song plays over and over in your mind, and your colleagues begin to complain how you’re unwittingly humming the tune under your breath. Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage. . . . That’s the song I have in my head right now. It’s been there since we decided on the theme for this issue of the Herald. It’s all about family and love, perfect for Valentine’s Day!

But is the song true? Are love and marriage eternally entwined? Are family and love really about 2.5 kids, fish crackers, a mortgage and perfect family portraits at Christmas?

I had the joy of reconnecting with some long-time friends when I was back in B.C. in December. They’re the kind of friends with whom conversation happens easily and silence is never awkward. As often happens, our talk drifted back to the relationships in our lives. One friend talked about the struggles in her marriage. Another talked about the challenge of raising two children with special needs. Some of us shared the pain of being single and trying to navigate life alone.

Fifteen years ago, we never imagined these relationships or circumstances would be our reality. We didn’t expect love and marriage to turn out this way! Maybe our thinking was shaped too strongly by 1950s sitcoms. Maybe we were overly influenced by family-focussed radio broadcasts. Maybe we were hoping for something far too extraordinary. Whatever the reason, our expectations, in many ways, were crushed.

The good news is that we, as individuals, were not crushed. We have not been destroyed and so we move on.

We have come to realize this is what family is all about – something less than perfect, something less than expected. Everyday, ordinary, broken lives are what we all have. And this is how God chooses to be glorified.

When we first considered doing a family issue for the Herald, we brainstormed all kinds of topics surrounding love, marriage, parenting, etc. We quickly realized that family might be something a little less than the extraordinary picture painted by popular media. Family often happens unexpectedly and messily. Family sometimes happens without a mother, father, spouse or even children.

This is nothing new. Families in the early 1900s were accustomed to fragmentation, separation and disintegration due to disease, war and famine. The concept of the “nuclear family” developed after WWII by a society clamouring to create a haven of safety after decades of tumult. In the 1950s, family became idealized. Western society fiercely protected and romanticized marriage, childhood and home life. While this may have been a natural and helpful development 50 years ago, it also created unrealistic expectations for individuals, setting the stage for inevitable failure.

In Jesus’ economy, the church was far more important than family. Jesus focused his listeners’ attention on the larger community outside the immediate family unit. He challenged them, asking, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, Jesus said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:48–50).

Throwing this back to local congregations, there are some challenges ahead. How can churches best minister to broken, fragmented and untraditional families? How can churches support the idea of “family” without turning it into an idol or elevating it above the status of the church? How can the church truly be a family for those whose biological families have fallen apart? How can churches discuss the topic of family life without creating undue expectations of perfection? How can churches embrace family within the realm of the ordinary?

In this issue, we profile families with all sorts of stories, blemishes, and challenges of ordinary life. Kerry O’Brien invites us into the world of singlehood. Vi Siemens discusses the importance of a positive self-image for teen girls. John Longhurst makes an interesting proposal for couples facing divorce. Vonnie Mostat shares a story of how God’s love put together a broken relationship. And James Toews reflects on the bittersweet reality of single parenting.

I like the way Ogden Nash so glibly describes it: “A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal and the common cold.” I always knew the family was a little bit under the weather. Indeed, love and marriage don’t always ride along so smoothly. But that’s OK, because through it all, God will be glorified.

Now, if I could only get that crazy ditty out of my head!