A love story

this is a love story

It began, as love stories do, with a young man taking note of a young woman – in this case, the dark-haired young woman who was valedictorian at a high school graduation he attended. Years later, their paths crossed at church meetings and (since both were teachers) at teachers’ conventions.

He wrote her a letter. She was impressed with his ability with words (though she took her time answering). Correspondence turned into courtship, and in due course, the two of them got married. And they lived happily ever after. They really did, going on 50 years now, though not “happily” in any dewy-eyed, carefree way detached from how real life often unfolds.

The young woman is 78 now, and the young man with the passionate interest in literature and marvellous facility with words is 80. Twelve years ago, he suffered a severe stroke. He lost his ability to write and most of his ability to speak. For the past seven years, he has been in a care facility.

But even the past decade of losses – losses of functioning and interaction that have been a series of “small deaths” – has served to deepen their love.

Elfrieda and David Duerksen on their wedding day, July 17, 1954.

Elfrieda Rempel and David Duerksen were married July 17, 1954 at the South End Church, Winnipeg. It was a very hot day, Elfrieda recalls, but “it was wonderful. I was very happy.” The church was packed. There were two sermons, one in English and one in German, and the wedding text was Colossians 3:12–17, beginning with its reminders of “God’s chosen ones” and ending with “be thankful.”

“When we made our vows,” Elfrieda recalls, “we took them very seriously.”

The young couple soon settled in Winnipeg, where David taught junior and then senior high English. He was busy with his job as well as preaching and MB conference work. Elfrieda devoted herself to their four children and to volunteer work.

Their love, David said when he shared his life story with a fellowship group at River East MB Church in 1985, “grew in direct proportion to the number of years we were married.” He and Elfrieda shared many of the same interests: travelling, hiking, music, reading, people, church involvement, and their children and grandchildren. They had determined together to maintain a simple lifestyle, choose service over prestige, always be positive about the church and make their family a priority.

Was their love never tested? In David’s talk that day he also recalled “the dark night of my soul,” which was his struggle with depression. Later, Elfrieda’s diagnosis with rheumatoid arthritis also hit them hard.

Then came the stroke, Elfrieda says, that “turned our lives upside down.” When this happened, she did not ask “why” of God, however; the victory over asking that question had been won through intense struggles and prayer much earlier. Nor did she ever consider retreating from her vows.

“But you don’t stay static,” she says. She has read the statistics about how illnesses or major crises affect marriage and knows that one either moves forward or back. She is too realistic about the difficulty of these situations to judge those who have not been able to do what she and David did. But she never considered any option but moving forward. “Love grows in the soil of shared struggles,” she says.

Elfrieda echoes a sentence she once read that says, “It is a privilege to walk alongside someone who struggles; it brings us in touch with God.”

But how does a couple sustain a marriage when they can no longer reside together, are essentially living in different worlds, and where the ability to communicate is so diminished? Elfrieda usually spends time with David five times a week. “Eyes speak, and so does the body,” she says. Sometimes he has a few words and then she must do a lot of guessing, supplying the words and ideas to which he responds.

David’s world has become increasingly limited, and he becomes very engrossed in it, she says. But sometimes, she says, “he gives me such a warm hug or a kiss.” At times he indicates that he wants her to read one of the sonnets he wrote to her years ago, and when she does, she knows he is speaking these words to her again. His interest in people continues and she brings him all the news she can. Occasionally she re-reads their wedding text and reminds him of its significance in their lives. She prays for him, and she knows that he prays for her.

Over the past few years, David and Elfrieda worked together on a project involving the notes of talks and sermons he had given over the years. Elfrieda went through his files and chose the items, reading each one with David to make sure his ideas and style would be preserved. She and the children then compiled them into a book called A Passion of Gratitude they presented to David at his 80th birthday. He was thrilled and it was a wonderful experience for all of them.

David and Elfrieda have a very supportive family. She has stayed closely connected to their church, even though he can no longer attend. She is also grateful for Bethania, the facility where David resides. “What a blessing these good institutions are,” she says.

“I decided from the very beginning,” Elfrieda says, “to be open with others about our situation.” She also prayed for freedom from self-pity. Although that temptation has occasionally reared its head, she is glad to say this prayer has been answered.

Elfrieda does not try to play down the fact that the path of their marriage now is often a “difficult, lonely road.” As the “stronger one,” she must carefully balance how much to give and how to take care of herself in order to stay strong.

The hardest part for her has been seeing her husband struggle with his large losses of ability to communicate, especially when his mind is still alert, and realizing there is nothing she can do about it. The most rewarding times are when a deep connection occurs between them and she can brighten his day.

Through God’s sustaining grace, David and Elfrieda Duerksen continue to witness to the fact that “happily ever afters” are possible indeed – but of a kind that are very deep and only forged through a long and daily commitment of love. And this, as she says simply, is “our love story.”

Dora Dueck is associate editor of the MB Herald.