Building a solid marriage through all the seasons of life

Richard and Hazel Funk became friends while studying at Millar Memorial Bible Institute but did not think of getting married. Not, that is, until graduation day, when Hazel’s sister said, “I have one more picture left on my camera. What should I take?”

Richard said, “Here!” and as he put his arm around Hazel he thought, “Wow! She’s the partner for me.”

They began a relationship through letters while Richard served in Austria with Operation Mobilization and Hazel worked in Saskatoon. They were married November 24, 1973.

Their 30-year marriage has included raising four children (Christie, Nathan, and twins Daniel and Andrew), ten years of teaching and family duties in Saskatoon, and serving with MB Mission and Service International in Austria, first with Good News Corps and since 1987 as church planters in Gmunden, Austria, and mentors and resource persons in Salzburg, Austria. They have worked as a ministry team, especially in counselling, which has brought them, they say, in touch with many hurting people, whether couples or singles, but also with relationships that have been a role model to them.

Their daughter is married and living in Linz, Austria. Two of their sons are studying and working in Canada. The youngest of the twins is studying and teaching in Linz and will be married to an Austrian girl in July.

What would you say are the most important building blocks of a solid marriage?

• Praying together. That was one of our priorities, beginning in our courtship. We still end the day praying with each other, sometimes very briefly (and at times Richard falls asleep during Hazel’s prayer), but prayer is more than a ritual!

  It’s hard to pray, of course, when there are tensions between us. During our first year, we thought we needed to resolve these tensions completely “before the sun went down.” We learned that long discussions into the night, when both are exhausted, are counterproductive. We learned to pray, “God, you see our struggles. Help us sleep and work at the resolution tomorrow.”

• Time for communication. We always scheduled time, even if short, to talk and listen to each other.

• Belonging to a small group. Developing friendships with other couples was a priority. We cherished their fresh ideas on raising kids and resolving conflicts.

• Openness. We do not keep secrets from each other.

Take us back to your wedding. What do you remember?

Richard: I distinctly remember the pastor challenging me to look at Hazel. He then said, “Do you see Hazel’s smile? Richard, guard you actions and attitudes so she does not lose this inner radiance and smile.”

Hazel: I remember an example of our “blind love”: we didn’t have an apartment until two days before our wedding! There was such concentration on each other, the apartment seemed secondary.

How has 30 years of being married to each other changed you?

Hazel: I was attracted to Richard’s quietness. Through this I have learned to listen more. I’ve also learned to become more spontaneous. Richard grew up making some snap decisions, like going on holidays without planning ahead.

Richard: I was attracted to Hazel’s effervescent personality. She has so much joy in living and being with people. Through this I have learned to be more open and expressive with my emotions. She has helped me overcome much of my adolescent introversion.

What have you argued about most?

Finding our way through a new city! All would become very quiet in the car. The kids knew Mom and Dad were tense with each other. Richard would say, “Which way should we go?” Hazel would look at the map and say, “I have no idea where we are!” Silence prevailed as Richard continued to drive in circles and Hazel fumed that he wasn’t stopping and asking for directions.

We’ve also argued about walks and bike rides: too short or long, too easy or difficult.

We’ve seldom argued about money. Beginning on our honeymoon, we’ve consistently (except for one year) kept a record of our income and expenses. We have very similar views about debt, charitable giving and lifestyle.

What did you do before your marriage or in your early years that set a good foundation for where you are now?

We knew each other well as friends. We were in the same Bible school class and talked lots, like brother and sister. That has stayed with us. Both of us also have had a deep commitment to our personal walk with God. And we have always had a deep commitment to the church, with its imperfections and ours. We cannot imagine life without our church family.

Can you describe the seasons of your marriage, and some of the challenges and joys you experienced in them?

According to the “family life cycle” as developed by Duvall and Hill, there are eight stages a couple go through. (These may overlap of course.) We are now in stage seven.

In the first stage, the years without children, we adjusted to each other’s extended family. We never realized the importance of the extended family before we married. We worked in cross-cultural situations and were also able to travel. We could make adjustments without the extra concern for children.

And then the kids arrived, four of them in four years!

Yes, the childbearing years! For us, this stage involved four years and four children, which also overlapped with Richard’s studies at university. A few words that describe those years are: wild, challenging, exciting, sleepless, survival!

Did you put marriage “on hold” then just to be parents?

Actually, some of our greatest conversations happened in the middle of the night while we were both up diapering and feeding our twins. Once the children were able to play on their own we made it a priority to drink a coffee together after supper and debrief our day’s activities.

Our anniversaries were a major event. Richard told the kids, “Mom and Dad are going to spend many years together after you all leave home. We need to have our own time together, so we’re going to a hotel.” The children stayed with relatives while we celebrated another year. Several times they joined us in the hotel for the second night. They soon learned that anniversaries are great times of celebration.

What were the seasons that followed?

The next stages were the completed family, (families with preschool and school children), in which we enjoyed seeing the children develop their personalities and skills. The challenge for us then was limited time and finances for personal goals, such as Richard’s for further studies and Hazel’s for involvement in music. We had come back to Europe to serve as missionaries and so the well-being of our children as they adjusted to a new language and culture was a greater priority.

The next stage, life with teenagers, was for the most part experienced very positively. The children were busy with school, music lessons and our total family involvement in church planting. Our two weeks of holidays each summer and our two-month furloughs every three years were tremendous bonding experiences. We were guided by a statement Hazel heard from Maxine Hancock a decade earlier: “Remember, teenagers can be your best friends.”

What advice would you give couples who feel overwhelmed raising children, making a living, getting established in careers, doing church work, not to mention staying connected with one another?

• Relax!
• Spend time with other families, with whom you and your children have a friendship.
• Realize that time with children at home is very short. Set priorities, realizing you can’t do everything. We made music involvement for our children a priority, but that was at the expense of sports.
• Celebrate! It doesn’t have to be big or expensive, but music recitals, report cards, birthdays and anniversaries can be great events.
• Develop activities you can do together. We enjoyed music, science experiments and trying new foods.

What did the stage of launching your family as young adults bring to the marriage?

The initial experience, when Christie, our oldest, left, was more painful for Hazel. She didn’t always get Richard’s understanding as he was very busy with church responsibilities. The “ton of bricks” hit him when all three sons left home over a period of one year. This year also involved concluding a first church plant in Gmunden, Austria and moving on to Salzburg.

And now you’re in the “empty nest” season.

Richard: The transition had its rough spots. One occasion is still very clear in my mind. We had just brought our daughter and son-in-law to the airport. They were flying to Canada where our other children were living. All four children would be together for their own holidays in Canada. We recognized that they need to nurture their bonds as they will probably outlive us, yet both of us yearned to be there with them. We went for a bike ride, trying to hide our inner pain from one another.

We began talking, but instead of helping each other, we added to each other’s pain by things we said and did. Finally we went home, where we cried together as we shared the pain of entering a new chapter.

According to Duvall and Hill, the developmental tasks of the stage “middle-aged parents (empty nest to retirement)” are: rebuilding the marriage relationship and maintaining kin ties with older and younger generations.

What is it that needs re-building?

Richard: One thing that needs re-building is communication. When the children are at home, most of life focuses on them, directly or indirectly. After they are gone, you’re alone with each other and you can’t communicate through the kids. You need to work at communicating directly again.

There is also the newly-found time, which was earlier given to the concerns of the children. One needs to find meaningful activities to fill it. We are making adjustments as we give each other room to develop interests (perhaps those that fell by the wayside in previous years) and personal gifting. I have taken more time for physical fitness in jogging, biking and walking, and I’m working at distance learning studies. Hazel has begun training and working in the area of group counselling with abuse victims.

Hazel: We enjoy the new freedom to eat what we want (lots of veggies) and to come and go as we please. I do remember how the children would “distract” us from our little tensions with each other. Now we need to find ways of dealing with these, in giving each other space and time.

Richard: I look at the empty nest as a new start of courtship days, only now we have the advantage of many good experiences and common knowledge. We don’t have to repeat the difficult lessons we have already learned. But we need to specifically express our love and commitment to each other, just like young lovebirds.

Two Christmases ago, I gave Hazel a velvet hard-covered journal. On its first pages I wrote her a love letter. Since then we’ve been writing letters to each other as we pass the book back and forth. There are no time pressures as to when to write. We use it to express our gratitude and positive, affirming love statements.

How does your marriage and journey of faith intersect?

Since faith is a common concern, we have recognized our personal and mutual responsibility. We have consistently had personal devotional time. While in ministry, we have used Monday mornings for planning the week’s schedule, praying for our work and families, and reading a book together. The books we’ve read vary from theological, marriage, counselling, to devotional. We recommend reading books together, even if only a chapter a week. We also recommend building healthy relationships with other couples that are committed to building their relationships.

When you look ahead, say to your 70s, what (D.V.) do you see?

The two of us in our 70s, let’s see . . . biking along the Meewasin Trail in Saskatoon, having people over for coffee, not feeling totally at home (being torn between Europe and Canada), going on a walk and still loving it when we hold hands, watching the squirrels, enjoying our grandchildren. (We don’t have any of those yet, but when we see the fun our friends have with their grandchildren, we think we’re going to have a blast!) And the good morning and good night kiss will still be meaningful!

Thank you so much for sharing with us.