Getting it right

My daughters are 20 and 16, and any time now I expect they will be discovering boys. (For those of you who insist that we should tell you when an article is intended to be humorous, that comment was intended to be humorous.)

I was thinking back recently and realized that the time my wife Jackie and I were embarking on parenthood coincided with the time when James Dobson was founding his Focus on the Family organization and was releasing his first series of videos, which must have been shown in virtually every evangelical church in North America. It was good timing because we needed all the help we could get.

I appreciated the videos very much. They offered helpful advice. Looking back, though, I think that what the videos offered was something much more helpful than advice. At a time when children were seen as a hindrance to a woman’s fulfillment and a threat to an overcrowded planet, the videos gave us an opportunity to celebrate parenthood. They freed a whole generation of parents to love their children and devote time to raising them without feeling guilty.

Also looking back, I recognize some weaknesses in Dobson’s approach. I once analyzed one of Dobson’s books and was struck by the repeated phrase “Judeo–Christian values”. His approach to parenting, he was saying, was equally supported by Judaism and Christianity. That, in turn, reminded me of the danger of legalism in Judaism. In Dobson’s approach, I began to see a pattern of law. If you follow these rules of parenting, Dobson seemed to be saying, your children will turn out right. (Given that, I suppose it is not surprising that Dobson later became heavily involved in American government and politics, attempting to promote “family values” through government laws.) Now, there is value in such an approach. Life often turns out the way the laws say it will. A wise Bible commentator helped me understand how to interpret the book of Proverbs; that book, he said, is not filled with “promises” (which we can hold God to) but with “wise sayings” (showing how things usually work out). However, if Judaism and Old Testament law contain all we need for parenting, why did God give us the New Testament, why did God send His Son Jesus?

Dobson’s argument that if we parent right, our kids will turn out right has two flaws in it. First, it is built on the assumption that parents can parent right. Before we had children, I was confident that I would be a very good parent. After 20 years of parenthood (actually long before 20 years), I discovered something profound: I was not a very good parent. In fact, I was a sinful human being. Oh, Jackie and I did a lot of things right, but certainly not everything. By Dobson’s logic, if our children do not turn out right, it is our fault.

The other flaw I discovered is that children have wills of their own. I have seen very good parents who followed all the “rules” but whose children did not turn out right. I have seen parents who have had some children turn out right and other children turn out to be huge disappointments.

Looking at all this, I began to suspect that following the parenting rules wasn’t all there was to this parenting business. I discovered that parents are very much in need of forgiveness, the forgiveness God provided through Jesus Christ. I also discovered that children are very much in need of forgiveness. Following the rules means that when children do wrong, they are to be punished as a means to teach them to do right. Yet, if that approach alone did not work for ancient Israel, why would we think it sufficient for our children? Punishment does not always lead to repentance, to a commitment to stop doing wrong and start doing right. In short, I discovered that parents and children are both very much in need of grace, very much in need of a Saviour named Jesus Christ. Teaching our children to “do right” will have some positive lifelong effects, but it will not guarantee they ultimately turn out “right”. Our children were born sinful, and unless the Holy Spirit of God works in their hearts and gives them new life in Christ, they cannot turn out right. If I had to do it again, I would still follow the rules of parenting, but I hope I would also love more, forgive more, pray more, depend on God more – and be more humble. Only God is really a good parent.