Culture-wise parenting

Parenting is one of those subjects that generates an ocean of written material. One does not need to be an expert to address it; in most cases, one needs merely to be a parent. The world is filled with parents.

As a parent and another non-expert, it seems to me that in order to swim skilfully in this ocean one must understand a fact which is often overlooked: Our parenting styles are culture-bound. Too often we are busy gobbling up the latest book to hit the market. While there is value in being knowledgeable about current parenting ideas, and skilled in using those methods that fit our values, there is also a need to interpret this material within a broader context. We need to seek the stalwart oak tree in a forest of poplars. We need to call out and affirm those who can help us interpret our culture.

Much of what we read about parenting essentially amounts to a behavioural approach – we are told to train our children by rewarding good behaviour and punishing bad behaviour. While response to behaviour is a part of being a parent, it can too easily become the whole. An exclusively behavioural approach applied throughout the parenting years will create a rigid and controlled environment. In the adolescent years, the gaps in this approach will surface. The danger in this “rewards and punishment” method is it may obscure what is more important, the development of a secure, healthy relationship between parent and child. It is easier to simply keep applying the rules, performing “automatic parenting”, than to sit down with our children and get to know them, what moves and motivates them, what they fear, what excites them.

The main task of parenting is to help a child discover his or her true self under God and to live out of that self; it is not to create rule keepers. Wise parents will gradually relax the boundaries to assist their child toward autonomy. They will earn the ongoing right to speak into their child’s life, not assume it. They will allow the power imbalance in the parent–child relationship to gradually level out. They will not cling to omnipotence. These parents will progressively let themselves be seen by their child, knowing that their own humanness will allow their child to be human, thus making room for grace.

A behavioural approach remains unchallenged in our culture because it fits in well with a world that demands instant solutions. Our society seeks three easy steps, seven how to’s, a manageable system that can be understood and employed without delay. It denies the glorious and sometimes muddy mystery; it resists struggle and confusion. But the God of the Bible is more interested in relationships than systems. Kevin Huggins describes a reflective, relational style of parenting in his insightful book, Parenting Adolescents. He says, “The parent–teen relationship is one of God’s primary tools for putting an adult in the kind of situation where he can get a penetrating look at the truth about himself.” Parenting allows me opportunities to set aside my child-reform kit for a while and look in the mirror.

Another common reality that affects how we parent is the dominance of the individual family unit, the “nuclear” family – mom, dad and the kids. Just as individualism is widely accepted in our society, so the individual family unit is taken for granted. Each family has its own fridge, lawnmower and dwelling. Most parenting takes place within the privacy of the home. While there may be a little sharing of information about parenting beyond the nuclear family, there is very little sharing of the parenting task itself. During baby dedications at church, we have stood and pledged to support and assist the parents in their child-rearing efforts – but as believers we have limited experience in doing so.

We could learn from the old African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Who is the village? In some respects this village is global, but its most powerful context is the local Christian community, which permits hands-on participation in shared parenting. This village must be unified enough in its values to be supportive, yet diversified enough to challenge blind assumptions and uncover weaknesses.

How do we become the village? To a great extent, it depends on the quality of our relationships and how we live together. Some cultures, past and present, have three generations living under one roof. In such environments, the possibility of ongoing abuse, which normally takes place within the four walls of the individual family dwelling, is reduced. While we may not choose to live in multi-family dwellings, through spiritually attentive relationships and education we can learn to identify abusers and the signs of abuse.

The New Testament is fairly silent about the biological family. At times, it appears to be hostile to it (Luke 14:26). Instead, the New Testament is full of family language of another kind. There is liberal talk of Christians being adopted sons and daughters, with God as their father. These spiritually related family members become connected as they understand what God wants His family to be. Much of Christian counselling and therapy focuses on the damage and deficits resulting from one’s birth family. The family of God known as the church creates the opportunity to adopt new parents. This family is an inclusive group, welcoming those who don’t have a place, who don’t have a home, who are without parents or children or spouse. The spiritual bonds which are created transcend biological ties and will last into eternity.

Being God’s family in the ways described above is not about creating more programs; it is about how we are to live. Being God’s family is not intended to be a separate part of our living; rather, it is the core of our spiritual identity, radically impacting how we socialize. When Christians become family as God intended, the result becomes a model for life in the home and an inclusive model based on equality for the world to see. In this way, we can become those who interpret and create culture rather than victims of, and reactors against, the culture around us.

Hilary Klassen is a counsellor in private practice in Salmon Arm, B.C.