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When I’m dead and gone

A.J. Mittendorf

 . . . throw me an extravagant funeral.
Dress my bloodless cadaver
In a black tuxedo
With a ruffled silk shirt, gold cufflinks,
And a velvet tie.
Lay my body on padded satin
In a hand-crafted coffin adorned with
Opposing cherubim, and Christ’s Passion
Along a sculpted frieze
Beside sparkling brass handles
On a grand mahogany casing.
Hire professional mourners
And have a reception catered with
The finest multicultural cuisine.
Make me Pharaoh; deify me.
And know that if I’m allowed,
I will look down on you from Heaven
And scoff.

Should you wish to honour my memory,
Do only what is necessary—
If cremation is cheaper,
Cremate, if burial,
Buy cheap, and find the
Least expensive coffin—
Used maybe.
If you want a reception,
Have smokies and crackers with
Kraft individually-wrapped cheese.
Do nothing extra
Because I won’t be at the funeral;
I’ll not be in the coffin,
And I will never
Be placed
In the
Ground.

A.J. Mittendorf teaches English at the College of New Caledonia in Prince George, B.C.

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Last modified January 14, 2002.

© 2002 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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