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Looking after God’s business

Barry Adams

The year was 1985. I was working full-time in the newspaper business, was serving my church as a volunteer youth pastor and had just started a publishing company. I dreamed that my new enterprise would become successful and one day enable me to leave my full-time job to focus on the many ministry activities that I was involved with.

I had great plans and expectations for the future, as I had made God my business partner, with a 51% share in the new company. There was only one problem. The harder I worked developing this new business, the worse things became.

In sheer panic, I began to increase my Christian service and spiritual disciplines in the hope that my “seeking first His kingdom” (Matthew 6:31-33) would somehow move God to increase His blessing in my life. I worked even harder at church, began to double-tithe and fasted regularly. I wrote Bible verses on each of the 150 boxes of my newly published book that were being stored in our master bedroom. But the harder I worked, the worse things became. Over the next two years, I battled exhaustion and depression, and endured many sleepless nights.

One day, in a discussion with my dad about how the business was going, I angrily blurted out, “I have been working hard at looking after God’s business! Why isn’t He looking after mine?!” At that moment, I realized that bitterness had crept in towards God. My outburst scared me because I hadn’t been aware of the anger that I was carrying in my heart. I began to realize that in my good intentions, I was trying to force God to bless me.

By January 1987, I could not keep this pace up any longer. I stopped all my spiritual activities and disciplines and confessed to God that I was completely helpless. For the next two months, in my brokenness, I did not do a thing to try to influence God to bless me. I felt like a complete failure and lost any sense of self-confidence.

It was during this time that doors that I didn’t try to force began to open up. Blessings that I didn’t strive to obtain began to be showered upon me. I couldn’t understand why all of a sudden all these good things were happening to me at a time when I least deserved them.

One day, I dropped to my knees and cried out to God, “Why are You blessing me so much? I don’t deserve it!” In response, I heard God speak these words: “You are right. You don’t deserve it. Now do you understand that it is by My grace that you receive these things?”

Those words changed my life. I began to see that I had been trying to obtain by works what God wanted to freely give me all along. His grace comes, not because we deserve it or have earned it in some way, but simply because He loves us. This does not discount spiritual disciplines, as they are very valuable in cultivating a closer walk with God, but it is important that our trust not be in the disciplines but in God’s grace.

Barry Adams is the founder and director of Father Heart Communications, producer of Father’s Love Letter.

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Last modified August 22, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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