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Being single in a married world

Marina Froese

To marry or not to marry, that is the question most of us must face at some point in our lives – but do we really feel there is a choice? Does it not seem as if the church sees marriage as the only healthy choice? Do we have to be married to have a meaningful and healthy life? We do seem to have a strong (and God-given) desire for the intimacy of a committed, lifelong relationship with another person, but is marriage the only context in which God provides a nurturing community?


What does the Bible have to say about the single state and the strong emphasis the church gives to marriage? There are some real advantages to being single according to Scripture, and the central figure of Christianity used them to His advantage. There is no doubt that Christ honoured marriage, but He had a mission that marriage would have made impossible. The apostle Paul was another who, at least in his later years, chose the single life as the lifestyle most conducive to fulfilling the mission that God had given him. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul clearly states the advantages of singleness in furthering the kingdom of God – yet this is not for everyone, but only for those whom God calls.

When we face the decision of whether or not to get married, do we seriously consider the single lifestyle? Is the single lifestyle held in as high esteem as the above examples would demand? The only way to find out is to ask those who are single, because they are the ones who feel the effects of societal and church attitudes. Many singles struggle with a deep sense of rejection. One of their most common complaints is being questioned as to why they never married, as if that is a more legitimate question than why people married. Singles are expected to have more spare time because they do not have commitments. Sometimes they are expected to change their lifestyle in order to care for elderly parents, as if it is always easier for them than for married siblings.

Shari Miller writes that in response to the question “When are you most aware of your singleness?”, single people unanimously agreed that “they were most painfully aware of it at church”. Miller explains, “All too often, preachers draw their sermon illustrations entirely from the nuclear family; the virtues of motherhood and fatherhood are extolled, while the singles shift uneasily in their pews. Committees are comprised of the married bulwarks of the church, while singles are limited to non-decision-making positions. . . . Singles are even segregated from married members of the same age in the ‘singles’ class” (“Singleness is a Kingdom Option”, The Messenger, Jan. 18, 1980).

We may shrug off these comments and say that singles are responsible for themselves, but we have to face our responsibility for the attitudes and behaviours that have contributed to such marginalization. We also need to turn to Scripture to see what our priorities ought to be. Jesus said in Matthew 6:33, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” In Luke 14:26 Jesus said, “If you want to be My follower you must love Me more than your own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters – yes, more than your own life” (New Living Translation). What do we think is our most important role – spouse, parent, woman? Or is it being God‘s servant? Mary Stewart Van Leeuwan writes, “By restoring the family to its secondary biblical place we can come a long way toward recovering a biblical respect for singleness. For despite the fact that Christians pay lip service to equal value of married and single people, their near-idolatry of the family over the past century has made single Christians feel like second-class citizens at best and moral failures at worst. But when both states are evaluated in kingdom terms, their functions are clearly complementary: a stable Christian family may have a missionary advantage in providing hospitality. But the single person, unencumbered with family duties, often has the missionary advantage of mobility. And both are vital to the spread of the church” (Gender and Grace, InterVarsity Press, 1990).

There should be no categorizing of us (marrieds) and them (singles) in the kingdom of God, for we are all members of the community of God. Our purpose is to glorify God together, and to share God‘s love with others so that they too may glorify God. We start by working through the ways we relate to each other, so that we may get on with the task, united in mutual respect for each other and by the bond of our first allegiance to Jesus Christ.

Marina Froese lives in Steinbach, Man. where she owns and operates a hog farm with her husband John. She is working toward an M.Div. degree at Providence Seminary, and is the mother of three and grandmother of two. This article is reprinted, with permission, from the Spring 2001 issue of Sophia.

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Last modified July 10, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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