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Learning to hide in God

Nils Langhjelm

One week before our 17th anniversary, my wife Gela and I renewed our wedding vows. It was a wonderful day, just as the day of our marriage had been. The ceremony was held in honour of God, who had done the impossible, restoring our love for Him and for each other, as well as our trust. What was once dead had begun to live again. Our marriage had been restored by His unfailing love.

A year and a half prior to this, Gela and I had been on the verge of losing it all. Our love for one another had been as dead as it could be. We had gone so far as to tell each other that we regretted the day we had met.

The most tragic thing of all is that this should never have happened to us as Christians. Grace was available for our need, but it wasn’t sought until it was too late. Gela wanted to seek counselling before things got out of control, but I was unwilling because of my macho pride. I only confided in my pastor after extreme bitterness had set in and Gela had asked me to leave.

So much was at stake: How could we tell others of the power of God to forgive and restore if our marriage was failing? How would we ever be able to find a place of usefulness in the church if we had thrown away our marriage and our home? And how could we ever look our children in the eye knowing that we had violated our sacred trust and broken their hearts? We both knew that the effects of divorce were catastrophic. We lived in a housing co-op made up mostly of single-parent families. Their pain and tragedy was plain to see. Our separation itself had already violated trust, wounding our children, our families and our friends, yet we both considered ending our marriage.

The renewing of our marriage came about through no sudden or spectacular miracle, but through saying yes to Jesus Christ as He began to show us what needed to be done in our own hearts. In the same way, the breakup of our home had come about slowly as His warnings had been neglected – almost all of which had been addressed to me. God in His mercy always warns before He does anything drastic. For about a year prior to our separation, the only thing that God had been showing me in Scripture was that if I did not repent, only hardship awaited me. Yet, I would not seek help.

In a family setting, the discipline of God on an individual family member affects the entire family. When I went out the door, I was a broken man. The effects on my wife and family were equally painful. Prior to our separation, Gela had ended up in a crisis house. Her despair was beyond her ability to endure. Both of our children were emotional basket cases. When I finally left, I found myself in the same crisis house. I had become a suicidal, gibbering idiot. I had never experienced such sorrow before. It was like mourning the death of a loved one, without the healing process ever occurring. It was, in fact, the chastening of God.

This all happened mostly because I was not close to God. Yes, I went to church and involved myself in various ways. I served as a lay pastor, led a home group and from time to time was given the pulpit. These areas of service appeared to be helpful to others, yet my home life was deteriorating, and so was my trust in God.

After a number of months living with friends in Yarrow, B.C., it was made clear to me that it was time to start dealing with things in my life. The question God put to me was: “Do you trust Me?” My response at that time was: “No, I don’t trust You.” It was honest; He already knew it. The issue of my need to trust became the focus of His dealings with me.

The friends I had been staying with were attending a home group every week and took me along. The group was going through the book of John. In time, we arrived at chapter 5, where Jesus asked a man who had been a cripple for 38 years if he wanted to get well.

Right there, God asked me: “Do you want to get well? Do you want to see your home and marriage restored to you? Do you want to be useful again?”

“Of course,” was my response.

“Do you trust Me?”

“No”.

God is relentless as He pursues us. Over the next several weeks, this question was constantly brought to my remembrance. Did I trust God? I finally came to the point where I told Him, “Right now, I don’t see You as being good, yet, I will trust You.”

The following day, my friend and I went to a Promise Keepers convention in Vancouver. I listened to the first speaker, who, like me, had known brokenness in his life. He had multiple sclerosis, yet there he was being used by God. He spoke with difficulty and limped badly as he walked. While addressing us, he said: “I have MS. What is your problem? If God can use me, He can use you.”

Here was a man who had been broken, yet he trusted God, and in a wonderful way he was being used by God.

At the end of his message, he asked, “If you are not doing all that God expects of you, I want you to respond by coming up front near the stage.” I have not responded to many altar calls. I have often viewed them as a way of manipulating people. This was of little concern to Jesus. At that moment, the words of Christ rang in my head: “Do you want to get well?”

“Yes, Lord, I do.”

“Go down front,” was the reply.

There was just one problem. Sitting next to me was my friend, and down front along the aisle leading to the stage were a number of friends I had not seen in some time. If I wanted to get well, I would have to humble myself in front of those who knew me.

I went forward. For me, it was a public confession to God: “Lord, I have sinned. I have failed. I am broken. Jesus, I believe that You can heal me, my marriage and my home and use me again.”

The next day, as I was reading my Bible, it came alive for the first time in many days, with a wonderful promise: “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). When I went to church the following Sunday, this was the text for the message.

My joy was being restored to me. I had been out of work due to my emotional instability. Now I was sufficiently renewed in my spirit to work again. Christmas had almost arrived, and for the first time in a while I had extra money – so I thought. I was gently reminded by God that I still had a wife and a family. So I took my two children out one at a time and bought them each something they needed. Then I bought Gela a set of much needed pots and pans.

I found out later that this spoke greatly to my wife. We come from different backgrounds. She grew up in a Christian family, whereas my family was anything but. Money was always an issue between us. She was good with it, while I still handled money as though I were a single man, overlooking the needs of my family to satisfy my own wants. Gela always sought to give God what was due Him out of our income, regardless of how she felt. That is how things were done in her home growing up. I had no such discipline. Therefore, our offering was often withheld as she submitted to her husband, who was “the head of the home”. I was unwilling to give what was due God because I wanted things for myself. I also withheld my offering because I was annoyed at Him for all the difficulties He had allowed to come our way.

When I gave these things to my family at Christmas, Gela saw that I was no longer selfish with money, as I was also giving to God again. She said to herself: “If my husband can trust God with his money, then I can trust God for our marriage.” Within a month, we were dating again. By the summer, we had renewed our vows. My disobedience had brought us calamity; my renewed faithfulness was being honoured by God as He began the process of healing.

Our God is a God of mercy and grace. He is still in the business of redeeming impossible situations for His praise and honour. As we turn to Him with tears and true repentance, He will restore our souls and even our homes. If we hide ourselves in Him, we can expect to experience His protection for our homes and avoid many calamities.

Nils Langhjelm is a member of Yarrow B.C. MB Church.

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Last modified August 2, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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