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Falling back in love

Kathy Collard Miller

As we waited in the doctor’s office to find out if my husband Larry’s melanoma (the deadliest kind of skin cancer) had spread, I looked at him and said, “I’m so glad this didn’t happen 16 years ago when our marriage was so shaky.” Larry nodded his agreement.

I remembered once again those horrible years when I was convinced I had fallen out of love with my husband. Larry was working two jobs and flew airplanes as a hobby. He was rarely home. I felt overwhelmed mothering a two-year-old and an infant all by myself. If Larry would just stay home more often and help me with these kids, then I’d know he loved me, I thought again and again. As my pleas for help turned into nagging, he stayed away more. I hated him!

Now as I gazed into the loving eyes of my husband, tenderness welled up inside me. God had done a miracle in healing our relationship many years before.

How did God cause us to fall back in love with each other? He taught us some very important concepts. Following are a few of them.

Cycle of love

I had succumbed to the world’s concept of love: If you don’t feel loving, you must have fallen out of love. God’s kind of love is different; it isn’t based upon feelings but upon “making a choice for the other person’s highest good”.

Every marriage repeatedly travels through three steps in a cycle of love: romance, disillusionment and joy. At times, we feel very loving. Then something happens; our spouse disappoints us. She doesn’t keep a promise. He doesn’t love us according to our definition of love. He stays out all night with the boys. She doesn’t keep the house as clean as she should. Anger wells up, and we are disillusioned. Where did all those wonderful emotions go? We can take the next step into joy by making a decision to love.

That’s what God challenged me to do many years ago. Larry was off flying, and I was furious. God whispered in my heart, “Tell Larry you love him.” I refused because it wasn’t true. When God told me again, I refused again. I feared Larry would think I was approving everything he did wrong if I expressed love. God said, “Then think it the next time you see him.” I could do that because Larry couldn’t use it against me.

When he returned, I stared Larry straight in the eye, gulped and thought, I love you. Seconds later I added, But I don’t really.

Continuing to love Larry with my will began to change my attitude. I saw good qualities in him I hadn’t focused on for a long time. Soon my feelings of love returned. Eventually, God changed Larry’s heart also.

Taking the step from disillusionment into joy requires that we forgive our mates for disappointing us or not meeting our needs. Ultimately, only God fully meets our needs and never disappoints us.

Boredom

Whether we’ve been married a few years or many, boredom can contribute to “fallen out of love” feelings. One Friday evening, my friends Linda and Tammy took their husbands out to a fast food restaurant. By the time the men emerged with the food, Linda and Tammy had set the outdoor picnic table with a white tablecloth, candles, china and silverware. As they dined, people driving by stared and honked horns. They loved it. Then the wives announced they’d planned a weekend away, and all the responsibilities the men thought they’d had were taken care of. What could you do or plan that could remove boredom from your relationship?

Understand differences

Larry and I sat across from Dot and Jose at a couples’ retreat where we were speaking. Dot said, “My feelings for Jose have grown cold because he doesn’t show me love. I keep telling him the kitchen needs painting. If he really loved me, he’d do what I wanted.” Larry explained to Dot that Jose’s level of love had nothing to do with his painting the kitchen.

Like Dot, we can put requirements on our love, thinking that our husband’s failure to meet those expectations means he doesn’t love us. We don’t realize that we are all different, with varying motivations and desires. If you’re a person who loves people and wants lots of fun and you’re married to a person who prefers a quiet evening at home alone, you may interpret your mate’s desire as rejection, when actually it’s just the way he or she looks at life. If you make quick decisions but your mate is easygoing, you may be critical of his or her slow thinking – but that’s the way God made your mate. What we forget is that we married our opposite, unconsciously desiring a person who would complement our weaknesses and give us balance.

Don’t major on the minors

We often get uptight about things that aren’t really that important. The other day, a friend and I were recalling times we’d been angry at our husbands . . . then realized we couldn’t remember the reasons why! What we’d thought so important at the time obviously hadn’t impacted our future.

Ten years ago, when Larry’s life was in danger from cancer, small disagreements and tensions no longer seemed so important. Now that we know no further cancer has been detected and Larry’s life is presently safe, small matters can again make me disillusioned. Then I remind myself, Am I making a big deal out of something unimportant? Am I feeling less love over something that I won’t even remember a year from now – or in eternity?

Kathy Collard Miller (www.KathyCollardMiller.com) is a speaker and the author of over 40 books, including Why Do I Put So Much Pressure On Myself? (Servant). With Larry, she has written What’s in the Bible for Couples (Starburst) and When the Honeymoon’s Over (Shaw/WaterBrook).

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Last modified August 2, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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