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So you want a divorce?

Richard Maffeo

I was five when my father left us to “find himself”. Andrea, my younger sister, and I saw him infrequently the first year. Eventually, he stopped the visits entirely. When I turned 18, I grew curious about the man I hadn’t seen for more than a decade. I wanted to know why he had abandoned us.

Mom arranged for us to all meet at my paternal grandparents’ house. Albert was already there when we arrived. My hands felt like ice as I shook his. I studied him. He was shorter than I expected. He had also shaved the goatee I remembered. We chatted for a while about nothing until, after what I thought an appropriate time, I asked this stranger I once called Daddy, “Why did you leave Andrea and me?”

He answered with brutal honesty. No long story. No attempt to justify himself. Not even the hint of regret. “Because I wanted to.”

More than 45 years have passed since Albert abandoned us for another woman. I still remember the day when Mom told me Daddy would not be coming home again as if it happened an hour ago.

Television and magazines popularize the breakup of the home by avoiding or trivializing the heartache it causes. In contrast, the Bible is direct and straightforward – and for good reason. Divorce shatters families and leaves trails of brokenness which last a lifetime. No wonder God warns, “Guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. I hate divorce” (Malachi 2:15-16).

From our 26 years of marriage and from other long-lasting marriages, my wife Nancy and I have learned some valuable principles about living together as husband and wife.

1. Give God a chance. A strong faith in God has helped countless marriages survive personal tragedies and upheavals. “Literature on marriage and the family,” notes the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, “has consistently presented evidence that religious faith is associated with longer marital duration.” In other words, the family that prays together, stays together.

2. Beware of false messages. Some time ago, George Lucas said: “All of us who make motion pictures are teachers – teachers with loud voices.” It is prudent to ask ourselves what those voices teach us about marriage, faithfulness and morality. Similarly, television has a huge potential impact. If it’s not good for your marriage, turn it off. Don’t sit and watch shows that trivialize divorce. Your marriage is more important than any television show. The same goes for the magazines you bring into your house.

3. Avoid those who talk negatively about their spouse or ex-spouse. People who go around telling everyone how bad their marriage is (or was) can plant seeds that will ruin your marriage. Your spouse is your best friend. Don’t tolerate others dragging him or her down – and don’t you dare do the same.

4. Don’t amputate what you can fix. As a nurse, I take care of patients recovering from fractured limbs. Each patient would have sought a second opinion if the physician had recommended amputation as a treatment. Likewise, when a marriage is fractured and friends, family or even professionals recommend amputation, seek a second opinion. Or a third. Look for an “expert” who, by virtue of his or her own marital longevity, can guide you through temporary marital rough spots.

5. Forget the nonsense that marriage is easy. Marriage is a blending process, and process takes time. It is unrealistic to expect two people to return from the honeymoon a perfectly blended pair. Mark Twain observed that no man or woman knows what real love is until he or she has been married 25 years.

6. Don’t permit anger to fester. (Proverbs 15:1; Ephesians 4:26-27). When Nancy and I married, we agreed to never go to sleep angry with each other. I’ve not always kept my side of that agreement. Many times I’ve pouted for days. I’ve learned from experience how much better it is to stay awake – beyond midnight, if necessary – talking through our differences.

Ask those who’ve been through it. Divorce hurts. People who look for greener pastures on the other side of divorce, quickly learn the same problems await them in the next field. In fact, the divorce rate for remarriages is worse than the divorce rate for first marriages. It is far better to fertilize what you already have.

Richard Maffeo is a freelance writer from San Diego, Calif.

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Last modified August 2, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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