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Adultery and grace

Virginia E. Schneider

“Jesus saves.” How simple, yet how profound. How miraculous and complicated, yet so basic, so real, so life-changing. I have seen these two words on the sides of old barns while driving down country roads. The only thing I noticed at the time was the peeling paint and the leaning walls. I am like those old barns in some ways. This body is fading away, but the message in my heart is of eternal, life-giving power.

There is one resounding miracle that over and over continues to rise to the top of my thoughts. Like the woman described in John 8:3-11, I was caught in adultery, and Jesus saved me. I am so thankful for this story in the New Testament because it is my story, the story of how Jesus showed me love, grace, forgiveness and unconditional acceptance.

As a child, I always knew Jesus loved me. I loved going to Sunday school and playing church at home with the neighbour children. I dreamed of being a missionary when I grew up.

I married Paul, my childhood sweetheart, and went off to Bible college at 18. I continued to serve God the only way I knew how. I taught Sunday school, led women’s Bible studies, served as the president of many women’s organizations, served in the kitchen and ministered to the sick and hurting – all while raising four small children and being the “perfect wife and mother”.

With the youngest child in kindergarten, I found myself in a painful marriage relationship. As teenagers, we had had no premarital counselling of any kind. We struggled in silence, wearing happy masks on Sundays and when around other people. Even though I was miserable, I never confided my pain to anyone, just kept it all inside, pretending to be the submissive, contented wife and mother I thought I had to be if I were a Christian.

At 33, emotionally alone and deceived, I was ready for another man to come along who would spend time with me. For several months, it seemed innocent. It felt good to have someone care enough to listen and seem to understand my pain. Yet it wasn’t long until the emotional adultery became physical as well. What a devastation I felt! In my thoughts, I had committed the “unforgivable sin”, and I was going to hell for sure. I had lost my salvation. These thoughts were mixed with thoughts of, “But God has to forgive me.” For 11 years, I was caught in the web of this addiction. Wanting to get out and vowing to God to end it, I kept being pulled back into the torment of this exciting and depressing relationship. Through all the anguish of living a double life, through all the secrets, shame, hurt and tears, I told no one, not a pastor, friend or family member.

By the grace of God, I found myself hitting bottom. Life was totally unmanageable, and I could not go on anymore. The pain became unbearable, and I felt so alone. God brought me to a Christian counsellor who served as a pastor to my hurting and confused heart. He said the most profound words to me when I told him of my affair. He said, “Those are the sins Jesus died for.” I wept. I weep now to tell the story because those words were like a lifeline to a drowning victim. I was drowning in sin, fear and isolation.

After a few more weeks, I was able to share the truth with my husband, and we began to restore our marriage. It truly was a time of healing and grace for me, a new beginning. For the first time in my life, I knew beyond a doubt that I had sinned greatly and was in need of Jesus’ grace and healing. I also knew that my salvation did not depend on my performance. I began to accept what Jesus had done for me and to apply His grace and truth to myself.

It wasn’t easy at all. The first couple of years in recovery, Paul and I struggled to find each other and to live with our own pain. Yet Jesus saves. He healed and continues to heal our marriage. That was 12 years ago. This year, we celebrated 38 years of marriage together, for which I am grateful.

As a counsellor now, I encounter many Christians facing sexual issues of all kinds. Because of my own journey of healing and recovery, Jesus has called me to come alongside others, providing a safe place for them to share the truth and to begin the process of healing.

I never before thought this kind of thing could happen to me. I was very critical, harsh and judgemental of others’ sins. I believe God used this to show me how much He loves me. It was a terrible experience to walk through, but God has truly redeemed the years of devastation for me and my marriage.

If you are struggling in this area, find someone safe to share it with. Jesus died for your sin of adultery, and it was enough. You do not need to live in guilt or shame any longer (1 John 1:9). Adultery has many consequences that other sins may not carry, but it is a sin like any other. Adultery does not have to mean you are condemned to hell for eternity. Adultery does not have to mean the end of life or the end of your marriage. Recovery is a long and painful process, not all marriages survive the recovery process, but it is possible. Your marriage can survive if you are both willing to work, walk through the pain and make a commitment to each other.

Virginia E. Schneider is a marriage and family therapist intern at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose, Calif. and a certified sex addiction therapist. She and her husband Paul are members of Lincoln Glen MB Church in San Jose, Calif. and have four children and eight grandchildren.

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Last modified August 2, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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