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Fatherlessness

Esther McIlveen

At least once a year, on Father’s Day, we seek to honour fathers. For some, this day sparks memories of caring, affirming fathers; for others, it serves as a reminder of absentee or abusive fathers.

Apart from Father’s Day, our society has disenfranchised the role of fatherhood, suggesting it is superfluous. Fathers have been marginalized through the media, movies and even language – words such as “paternal”, “manly”, “hierarchy” and “authority” are seen as negative. As fathers have gradually moved from the centre to the periphery of family life, both women and children have been greatly affected.

David Blankenhorn’s book Fatherless America in the 1990s argued that widespread fatherlessness in North America is a root cause of many of our social ills. “Historically we have viewed the death of a father as one of the greatest tragedies in the life of a child,” he said. “Today we increasingly view the departure of a father as one of those things that we must simply get used to.”

Blankenhorn claims that fatherhood is society’s most important role for men. “Fatherhood bends male aggression toward prosocial purposes. More than any other male activity, it helps men to be more likely to obey the law, to be good citizens and to think about the needs of others.”

Fathers provide children with physical protection and material resources, and contribute to their identity, character and nurturing. One result of the growing fatherlessness in our society, Blankenhorn says, is “more boys with guns and more girls with babies”. A father plays a distinctive role in shaping a daughter’s sexual style and her understanding of the male-female bond. A father’s love and involvement builds a daughter’s confidence in her own femininity and contributes to her sense that she is worth loving. Consequently, women who have had good relationships with their fathers are less likely to engage in an anxious quest for male approval or to seek male affection through promiscuous sexual behaviour.

Three fathers

Three fathers I know demonstrate some of challenges and responsibilities of modern fathers.

Oscar Sy says, “My father tried to be a good father, but his main goal in life was making money. I only want to make enough to support my family and to feed them well. My family is my first priority.” Fatherhood completely changed Sy. “I gave up smoking and changed my attitudes for the sake of my two children,” he says, noting that he consciously seeks ways to address difficult issues. “We talk. We discuss sexual matters openly. I am teaching my son how to respect women. If my children are upset, I try to make them feel better. . . . I want my children to become independent and get used to hard work. We cannot force them, but must patiently show them.” Jim Kwan is a 39-year-old single father whose top priority is his 17-year-old son. He was thrust into the role of a single parent ten years ago when his wife was killed in a plane crash. His faith in God, the help of friends and knowing he had a son to care for helped him get through the anguish of loss. “At the time, my wife was the main caregiver, and I sought to provide my child with toys. The fact that my own father was distant didn’t prepare me for the role of fathering.” Jim says most people don’t feel single fathers are adequate in caring for children, although they view single mothers as being very capable. Ron Reed says, “Being a dad is the best part of my life.” Reed chose not to work in the evenings when his daughters were home. “They’re very responsive in doing things with me, such as playing board games. . . . Daughters tend to push against mothers. I think fathers help daughters separate themselves from their mothers to find their own identity. When it comes to discipline, all I have to do is show some disapproval and they tow the line for me. . . . I am a bit too indulgent with my daughters, but they’re not afraid to attempt new things. My father was not critical and gave us lots of freedom. I knew he respected me.” Reed is seeking to model that same freedom and esteem for his two daughters.

These three men are all Christian, young and fiercely devoted to their children. Only one had a father who was a good role model.

Restoring fatherhood

Charles Colson, who works with prisoners and has visited 600 prisons across North America, says that over his 25-year ministry he has seen how the word “father” has changed. “Twenty-five years ago, you could talk about God the Father and at least those kids had a frame of reference for what you were talking about. Today, God the ‘Father’ is a bad word.”

Fatherlessness, like most other social ills, will not be solved by prison cells, self-esteem initiatives or even mothers. Rather, we will solve it by helping fathers regain their important role; encouraging and mentoring fathers; and highlighting the good fathering that is still taking place in our society.

Esther McIlveen is a writer from Richmond, B.C.

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Last modified June 29, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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