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Fatherhood

James Toews

“See the full list of father-friendly parenting titles” (emphasis mine) invites the Amazon Web site. Like all the other “Days”, Father’s Day is an opportunity for marketers, and Amazon, being a great marketer, thinks carefully about how best to lead its potential customers forward. “Father-friendly” is its chosen hook.


It is a hook that speaks volumes about the status of fatherhood at the dawn of the third millennium. Fatherhood appears to be making a resurgence. In the 1960s, the era of strong, dignified, insightful fathers characterized by the TV program Father Knows Best gave way to the depiction of fathers as lovable buffoons at best and as self-centred, narrow-minded tyrants at worst. Archie Bunker was the typical father for many years.

That picture has begun to change, again. A new image of fatherhood is emerging. The “new” father is of course funny, as Bill Cosby and Paul Reiser illustrate. The book The Joy of Fatherhood: The First Twelve Months reminds us that fathers can change diapers, deal with crying and give baths just as well as any mother. And naturally “true” fathers have been there enduring pregnancy and childbirth with their “partners” – Expecting: One Man’s Uncensored Memoir of Pregnancy tells that part of the story. Best of all, the modern father is quick to admit that he really doesn’t have a clue about his “true” role in this whole business of being a father. Thankfully the ideal modern father is quick to ask for help, and Amazon.com has a whole list of ready resources for him: Daddy Smarts . . . A Guide for Rookie Fathers; What The Heck Were You Expecting: A Complete Guide for the Perplexed Father; and (best of all) The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Fatherhood. The modern father obviously is slow to speak and quick to listen. It is a commendable quality.

But underneath all the careful language of tenderness and nurturing, “father-friendly” reminds us that dark clouds remain. The “friendly” tag is a sure clue that something unfriendly lurks in the background. “Environmentally friendly” products carry this label because there is something in their very nature that requires caution. You don’t have “environmentally friendly” vegetables, but you do have “environmentally friendly” herbicides, insecticides and fertilizers. You don’t have “environmentally friendly” clothes, but you do have “environmentally friendly” detergents, batteries and gasoline.

Study after study is showing that fathers, like mothers, have an important role to play in the lives of children. Virtually everyone agrees. But what is that role? That question has not been sorted out.

In her book Father Courage: What Happens When Men Put Family First, Susanne Braun Levine, a founding editor of Ms. magazine, describes, “the nurturing role of men . . . observing the trend of more and more men walking their children to school”. Putting family first should be every father’s calling but, as the ideal of modern fatherhood is described, that description has a decidedly mother-like hue to it. Nurturing is obviously not to be confined to mothers, but the question that remains unanswered is: If nurturing, acceptance and tenderness define motherhood, what is it that fathers are uniquely equipped to bring to the child-rearing equation? Stoicism in the face of pain is no longer fashionable. Strength, size and aggression are questionable problem-solving tools. And testosterone is downright dangerous. So what is it that the man brings to his children?

It may well be that this is a question that we are not yet ready to answer adequately, but it certainly begs to be asked. Motherhood is God’s gift to all of us, but, in giving us fathers, He did not just add surrogate motherhood to that treasure.

James Toews is senior pastor of Neighbourhood Church in Nanaimo, B.C.

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Last modified June 29, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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