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Respectful, validating book for women in abusive relationships

Haide Giesbrecht

When Love Hurts: A Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis. Surrey, B.C: WomanKind Press, 2000. 120 pp. $17.95.

When Love Hurts is written by an abuse response coordinator and a minister who have a combined 21 years of experience working with women who have experienced abuse. The book is written from a women-centred approach. It seeks to encourage women by helping them learn to trust their own judgement and develop confidence in their own God-given wisdom, strength and courage. Each woman is seen as the expert on her own relationship since she knows her partner better than anyone else. Decisions are left to her. The book does not tell women what to do, but helps them make sense of their current situation. The intent of the book is to reassure women in an abusive relationship that they are not alone. Others “can understand and appreciate the overwhelming situation” in which they find themselves.

The book looks at various aspects of abuse, including the stereotypes of “battered women”. It also looks at the elements and varieties of abusive behaviours. The book does a lot of “re-framing” or helping women see things in a different light. For example, rather than labelling women as “battered” or “abused”, they are described as women who “experience abuse”. Abuse is re-framed as the impact it has on a woman through aspects of her life such as self-image and children. Re-framing seeks to validate women’s experiences rather than blaming them for their situation. Cory and McAndless-Davis examine components of abuse such as power and control, brainwashing, impact on the woman, and safety strategies.

The book includes numerous workbook-style exercises women can use to make sense of their own story. It also includes personal stories shared by other women who have experienced abuse. McAndless-Davis draws on her own experiences as someone who has experienced abuse to make the book very personable and respectful to the experiences of women in abusive relationships.

When Love Hurts is a helpful resource for women who are in abusive relationships, or who are wondering whether they might be. It is also a great resource for counsellors, group leaders, clergy and laypeople who want to walk alongside someone who is experiencing abuse.

The book is easy to read and approachable. At times, I felt like I was talking with a close friend. Throughout the book, there are opportunities for the reader to interact with the book by telling her own story. It is a very respectful and validating conversation regarding the overwhelming and precarious situation of being in an abusive relationship.

Haide Giesbrecht is a professional counsellor at Paragon Counselling Group in Abbotsford, B.C.

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Last modified June 16, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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