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Anger and violence in the home

Peter Golin

Anger and violence in the home are an enormous problem today. In North America alone, several million women are battered each year; more than a million seek medical assistance.


What is anger?

Anger is a God-given capacity, a physiological arousal preparing a person to act: More adrenalin is excreted in our bodies, causing our hearts to beat faster, our blood pressure to rise higher and the pupils in our eyes to open wider. We become highly alert. This physiological state of arousal makes us very powerful.

Anger is a God-given capacity, but how we use anger, whether positively or negatively, is learned. The expression of our anger is under our personal control.

Incorrect ways of responding to anger

There are several incorrect ways of responding to anger:

Exploding. Examples of exploding include shouting, screaming, desk pounding, loud cussing, bitter putdowns and “flying off the handle”. Somatizing. Somatizers use their bodies as a way to express their anger. They may develop medical problems such as stomach ulcers, headaches, high blood pressure, chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety and pain of undetermined cause. Medical studies have shown that resentment and frustration are two of the most common conditions leading up to these medical problems. The repetitive arousal of anger, or the chronic state of anger, is a condition our bodies cannot cope with in a healthy way. Acting underhandedly. Examples of this include gossiping, drinking alcohol heavily, having extra-marital affairs, teasing, failing in school and destroying another person’s property. All of these actions are designed to get even with the person who has made us angry. Pouting. Pouters usually put on a long face. Their aim is to have everybody see how unhappy they are.

Anger in the Bible

The first person in the Bible to express anger was Cain. The capacity to be angry was given by God when He created human beings in His own image. Cain’s error was not his anger but the way he expressed his anger. Instead of discussing his anger with God or his brother, he acted out his anger by murdering Abel.

Throughout the Old and New Testaments, the Bible has many examples of both God the Father and Jesus the Son expressing anger. Just as it is difficult for us to understand God’s love for us, it is also difficult to understand fully God’s anger. We certainly cannot look to the Bible and say that because God expressed His anger aggressively and violently, we can do the same. Romans 12:19 says clearly, “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” That chapter also says “Do not repay anyone evil for evil,” (Romans 12:17) and “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21).

Exploders, like Cain opt for short-term gain and experience long-term loss. Exploders often begin their aggressive behaviour with words. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” The majority of research on anger expression shows that aggressive behaviour leads to more aggressive behaviour. Exploding with aggressive words usually stimulates aggressive words from the opponent, and this often leads to physical violence. One study of domestic violence found that a large percentage of couples who abused each other verbally ended up abusing each other physically.

What makes a person act aggressively?

Aggression is a matter of learning. Aggression is modelled for us on a daily basis in television shows, videos, books, magazines, video games, comics – and frequently our own homes. The capacity to express anger aggressively is inherited; we are all born with it. However, studies clearly show that aggressive behaviour (the expression of that capacity) is not inherited. (Anger is thus similar to the sex drive: We are all born with the capacity to be sexually aroused, but expressing our sexual arousal aggressively, as in sexual abuse, is not inherited.)

What then makes a person act aggressively? In the final analysis, we act aggressively because we have chosen to act this way. Each of us is in charge of the way we express our anger. We have the capacity to modify our response at any given moment.

The consequences of inappropriately expressed anger

Incorrectly expressed anger in our homes can have many short-term and long-term consequences. Violence in our homes almost always leads to devastating negative consequences.

Short-term consequences include:

Lack of respect for one another Fear of being honest with each other Loss of affection for each other Decreased sexual intimacy Illnesses such as ulcers, headaches, chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression and colds Lack of joy and laughter Alcohol abuse and prescription and street drug abuse

Long-term consequences include:

Repression. This is when powerful, negative emotions from our conscious self are forced into our unconscious. Repression can cause severe psychological, emotional and physical damage, including depression, anxiety and psychosomatic disorders. Trans-generational sin. Sin is often transferred from generation to generation. Children who see anger incorrectly expressed in the home will themselves learn to respond incorrectly to anger in their adult years. Alcoholism. Fathers and mothers may become alcoholics in order to avoid further episodes of anger. Absence. Fathers and mothers may absent themselves from the home, by becoming workaholics, for example. By staying away from home, the person avoids being in contact with the irritations that set off the incorrect expression of anger. Separation and divorce. Child abuse. Children may be abused, to the point that they may be taken away from their parents by the government and placed into foster homes. Financial losses due to reduced productivity and efficiency in the home and at work.

Further biblical teaching on anger

In Matthew 5:21-24, Jesus states, “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” In this passage, the tense of the verb “to be angry” implies that the person is continuously angry or keeps on being angry. This would mean the person has unfounded anger or is angry without a cause. Jesus advises the angry person to seek reconciliation, to address the problems and conflicts in order to stop living in anger toward his brothers and sisters. Anger needs to be directed toward the person involved in a very thoughtful way to allow reconciliation to occur.

Ephesians 4:25-26, 31-32 says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbour, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” We must not lie but speak the truth to each other. Part of that truth is the fact that we are angry. After speaking the truth (i.e., expressing our anger), Scripture tells us to put away anger. I believe Scripture is teaching us to deal with the anger rather than let it fester unaddressed.

James 1:19-20 states, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” I believe that when James says, “slow to anger”, he does not mean we are never to be angry. Rather, James is saying we are not to be angry unnecessarily or over every detail in our life that we are unhappy with. He is telling us to make sure that our anger is appropriate to the situation and, when we are angry, to be sure that our expression of anger is controlled.

Practical ways to avoid the incorrect expression of anger

Frequently when a person feels angry, there is very little time between the emotion of anger and the expression of anger. The following are some practical steps we can use in order to avoid expressing our anger incorrectly:

Immediately distance yourself from the irritation that is causing you to be angry. For example, if a child is disobedient and making you angry, go into another part of the house or place your child in another room to give yourself time to cool down, think and then respond appropriately. Immediately pray. Do some physical exercise, such as going for a walk, jogging, bike riding or aerobics. This will enable your body to reduce the high concentration of adrenaline released into your bloodstream because of your anger. Read Scriptures such as the Psalms and Proverbs. Hebrews 4:12 states, “The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Take care of physical needs that could be contributing to your feelings of anger. If you are very tired, get some sleep. If you are hungry, have something to eat. If you are suffering from pain, get the pain under control through appropriate medical attention. Allow the release of some of your emotions by crying. Discuss your feelings with a trusted friend who is willing to listen and allow you to honestly express your emotions. This could be by telephone or by a visit. Take a nice hot bath or shower. Listen to beautiful music, such as relaxing classical music or Christian worship music. Write down your thoughts and feelings on paper. If appropriate, phone your pastor, elder, counsellor or other support person. Discuss your situation with your physician.

What should a wife do when she or her children are threatened by her husband?

This is a very common and yet difficult problem to deal with. The husband is his wife’s most loved and closest friend. What does she do when that husband has turned into a wife or child beater? Exposing him often seems more difficult than letting him go on abusing. In my experience as a family doctor, I have found that even Christian couples attending good churches continue living in an abusive situation for many years while keeping up good appearances. I once dealt with a family where the wife and children suffered threats and beatings on a regular basis for over eight years. The wife consistently denied any problems and never came to see me whenever there was evidence of physical injury to herself or her children. Wives love their husbands, and this love is often mixed with fear and rage.

Following are some practical guidelines for what to do in such a difficult circumstance:

Decide whether your husband is willing to seek professional help. There are treatable and untreatable men in this situation. Treatable men are those who are normally in control of their emotions but who occasionally lose control and become violent towards their wife and/or children. They will often feel very ashamed of what they have done and usually promise it will never happen again. Untreatable men are those who don’t care about what they have done. Violence is part of their lifestyle, within the marriage and outside of the marriage. These men are usually not interested in changing their behaviour. Nevertheless, it should be stated without any doubt that God can treat all kinds of abusive husbands. Seek professional help. You should confide in your doctor, your pastor, a Christian counsellor or a police officer. Decide on a long-term course of action for resolving the abusive problem. This decision may have to be made with the help of the professional person mentioned above. Simply letting the situation go until it is repeated is not a good plan. If you are presently suffering severe physical beatings, you should remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. This might mean going to a safe house or a transition house specifically for abused women and children. Follow through on your course of planned action (such as treatment or counselling) before normalizing the relationship again. Before the relationship is normalized, your husband should complete such a treatment program rather than merely start it. Pray, pray, pray. Pray diligently for your husband, for your children, for wisdom and understanding, and for the peace that passes all understanding. Don’t hesitate to use fasting with your praying. Make prayer a priority, and invite others in your Bible study groups, prayer groups, church groups and family to pray with you and for you. Don’t blame yourself for your husband’s behaviour. The wife I mentioned earlier often apologized to her husband after he beat her, feeling she was the one at fault. Violence is never God’s pattern for resolving conflicts in our interpersonal relationships. It is not your fault that your husband is violent. Treat other problems that may be influencing his anger. These would include alcohol and drug addiction, mental illness and physical illness. Devote your energies to seeking first God’s kingdom and His righteousness, and do not spend all of your time and energy trying to please your husband. You cannot change your husband’s behaviour by being nicer to him. This has been proven in other situations such as drug addiction and alcoholism; one cannot cure an alcoholic or a drug abuser by being nicer to him. If you decide to stay with your husband, always have an emergency plan in case his behaviour becomes extremely violent. You may want to go to your pastor, have a phone number and address of a good shelter, or make plans with a trusted friend who would let you stay at her home in an emergency situation. If you are able to anticipate his abusive behaviour (such as after he has been drinking at a party), don’t be afraid to have somebody stay over with you for that day or evening.

How do we learn to control excessive anger?

Come to God in serious prayer regarding your attitudes, irritations and responses. The emphasis here is on serious prayer. In Matthew 7:7, Jesus says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Understand that God frequently allows events and people into our lives that are displeasing to us, in order to teach us to be more like Christ. This requires deep trust in the God who loves us dearly. Romans 8:28 states, “In all things God works for the good of those who love Him.” Immediately confess your excessive anger as sin. Our openness before God and our repentance need to be completely sincere. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Practise forgiveness toward those who have offended you. We need to forgive those who have caused us to be angry. We must remember that no offense by another person could ever equal the offense or debt we have before our living, eternal God, yet God has forgiven us; we need to show the same forgiveness and mercy to others. In Matthew 18:21-22, when Peter asked, Jesus “How many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”, Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Allow God’s Word to permeate your heart and mind by intensely and regularly studying and memorizing Scripture. Psalm 119:9, 11 says, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to Your word. I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against You.” Understand that as Christians we will always face the battle between our old and new natures until the day we die. The battle to control excessive anger cannot be won by ourselves. We can, however, do all things with the help of Christ who provides us with the tools and the grace to win the battle. We cannot let down our guard at any time, and we must be disciplined enough to daily lay aside the old self and be renewed by God’s Holy Spirit. Ephesians 4:22-24 states, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Seek help from mature, experienced pastors and elders, and trained Christian counsellors. Investing time and money in an anger management course is extremely beneficial, especially when it is taught from a Christian perspective.

Being a real Christian is not easy. It requires determination, discipline and courage. It also requires change in complete obedience to God’s Word. God does not expect instant perfection in this area of anger, but He does require positive change, improvement and growth. The Christian who refuses to change will find himself deteriorating spiritually due to disobedience.

I encourage you not to give up in the battle to control your anger and, with God’s help, to overcome the negative and incorrect methods you have used to express your anger in the past.

Dr. Peter Golin is a member of Willingdon Church in Burnaby, B.C. This article is based on a sermon he preached in that church July 21, 1996.

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Last modified October 20, 2000.

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