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Families of origin in the family of God

Diane Bleam

When individuals join a church family, they bring along issues from their family of origin (the family into which they were born). These issues include the practice of keeping secrets from each other or from those outside the family, family rules, expectations, strongly held values, traditions, habitual responses to authority figures, methods of making decisions (and rules about who made them), communication patterns, and methods of handling crises. Family of origin issues emerge in a congregation during times of conflict, in times of decision-making and in the ongoing life of the church. Issues from one’s family of origin affect one’s expectations about fellowship, one’s taste in music and one’s view of who God is and what God does and expects.

The following situations are typical of what I have seen in my work as a pastoral counsellor, mediator and resource to churches in conflict, and in my own experiences as a member of three churches.

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Shelly, the eldest of three children in her family of origin, had a critical father. He was a deacon in the church, a hard worker and an opinionated man. Shelly made many attempts to please her father, but he always had a suggestion on how she could improve. Sometimes he took over a job he had assigned to her and did it himself.

When Shelly joins a church, her skills and her sense of responsibility are quickly noticed, and she is made chair of the fellowship committee. All goes well until the church council decides to have a congregational dinner catered. Shelly feels slighted and thinks that the council has no confidence in her. She assumes that they did not like the last dinner she organized. She is angry because they did not tell her “what she did wrong”, and because they “took the job away” from her.

Shelly thinks that the council is acting as her father did when she was growing up. If Shelly would check out her perceptions, she might discover that the church council is very appreciative of her work, and that their desire is to give her a break.

Brad grew up in a family where open conflict was not allowed. Brad’s maternal grandfather left his grandmother after a heated argument. He received a strong message about anger: “If you get angry, others will not be able to handle that and will abandon you.” When Brad’s mother felt frustrated or angry, she buried her feelings, which would be expressed later in rigid opinions about society’s latest ills.

Brad contains his anger most of the time, but he competes aggressively on the volleyball court, which he thinks is OK because it is a sport. Off the court, he feels somewhat helpless to take action on his own behalf, other than to avoid conflict. The only opinion he holds rigidly is that anger is sin.

When Brad’s congregation becomes embroiled in conflict over whether to enlarge the church building, Brad is unprepared for the intensity of the feelings expressed by other members of the congregation. He doesn’t care whether the addition is built, but he feels that some people are sinning because they are arguing heatedly. He wishes that those who proposed the building project would withdraw the proposal, or that there would be no discussion, just a vote to get this settled. Brad fears that conflict will split the church, and feels anxious whenever someone proposes a new idea.

All churches probably have at least one Brad. What these people need is some teaching about conflict and some reassurance to calm their fears, especially when there are disagreements. They need to be encouraged to express themselves.

Jane Detwiler came from a closed family system. Family members lived near one another and depended on each other for needs such as babysitting, transportation, financial help, do-it-yourself projects and care for the sick and the elderly. They felt little need for friends or other support from outside the family. They were reluctant to share their needs with the church, and found it hard to understand why others “bothered” the pastor.

When Jane’s church needs to make a choice about what types of ministry to support, Jane says, “We should take care of our own first.” Jane is in church every Sunday and focuses her energy on Sunday morning ministries such as ushering, teaching and singing in the choir. She volunteers for church clean-up days. Even though she has evangelistic beliefs, relating to people who are different is threatening. The type of evangelism Jane prefers is to support conference missionaries. Jane takes a stand on social issues, but is not actively involved in working for change.

People like Jane resist change. They say, “God never changes.” They like the security of keeping the church the same. People like Jane are the bedrock of the church and help to keep the church stable. However, when new ideas surface, they feel threatened and may prevent change that could benefit the overall mission of the church.

Bill Hoffman comes from an open family system. 0n Thanksgiving Day, the Hoffmans worked at a local soup kitchen. Their family was scattered around the world in a variety of occupations and ministries. They loved to travel, and moved twice. The Hoffman home was like Grand Central Station, with neighbourhood children and teenage friends coming and going. When the Hoffmans needed help, they relied on the pastor, the church family, friends and professionals.

When Bill Hoffman joins the church, he is keenly aware of needs in the community. He supports community-oriented ministries such as children’s clubs, nursery schools, child care, home repair assistance, singles groups, parenting classes and 12-step groups. He thinks that people who enter the church through such ministries will enliven the church and make it more interesting.

Sometimes Bill feels like an outsider in the church. He suspects that the Detwi1ers are power hungry. Bill thinks that any “real Christian” would support the ministries he supports, and struggles with being tolerant of those in the church who believe differently.

As churches become more diverse, it is helpful for church members to identify issues in their own families of origin, compare their backgrounds with the backgrounds of others and then help one another grow by learning from one another new ways of relating. As we learn to build each other up, our churches will be places of healing, acceptance and welcome.

Diane Bleam is a pastoral counsellor, family mediator and facilitator in church conflicts, based in Quakertown, Pa. This article was originally published in Conciliation Quarterly, Vol. 14. No. 1 (Winter 1995), Mennonite Conciliation Service (Box 500, Akron, PA 17501, MCS@MCCUS.org). Reprinted with permission.

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Last modified May 12, 2000.

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