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Raising thankful kids

Suzanne Woods Fisher

Usually the picture of serenity, Maria stomped into our prayer group, “I hate my children,” she stormed. “They’re so ungrateful”!

Her anger startled us, but we could empathize with her. At times, I am appalled at how much my children receive and how little they truly appreciate. Gratitude is in short supply today, even in loving, Christian families.

If I could guarantee a few things that my children would carry into adulthood, one would be a grateful heart. Gratitude is essential to a deep, maturing faith in God because it defines who we are, who God is and what we expect of life. Satan knows this, which explains why he tries to divert our attention away from all that God has given us and focus instead on the things we think we lack (see Genesis 3:1-7).

I’m discovering that instilling thankfulness in our children is a long-term project. Obviously my family isn’t finished yet, but we’ve stumbled onto ten principles that have made a big difference.

Practise what you preach. Kids learn best by example, and often I realize I’ve missed an opportunity to model gratitude. I’m trying to make this a higher priority – promptly writing thank-you notes, reciprocating a favour. When I get too busy for thoughtful gestures, then I know I’m too busy. Give your kids less. This is probably the most effective way to get our children to appreciate more. Two years ago, my family moved to Hong Kong for my husband’s work. We live in an apartment that has limited space. Hong Kong is also the most expensive city in the world. As a result, our buying habits are now based on need, with few luxuries. To my surprise and delight, we all like living with less. The children appreciate their possessions more, and there is less clutter. Even if you can afford it, don’t buy gifts habitually for your kids. It may make you feel generous, but children quickly feel entitled to treats and start expecting them. Get a new perspective. Encounters with those who have less can sensitize your child to some of the pain and suffering in the world. It also helps kids realize how fortunate they are. Each summer, a family I know looks for opportunities for their daughters to help on a mission project. It doesn’t have to be in a Third World country; their church has youth programs that help inner-city and low-income families. Both girls have benefited tremendously. Learn to count. When a friend says prayers with his daughter, he includes one thing to be grateful for from that day: sunshine, a cozy bed, a new friend. He tries to find things she can relate to in her day-to-day life because “the big stuff – health, happiness – is too big a concept for her at age 7.” Make the most of holidays. If you didn’t get around to it on Thanksgiving, use New Year’s Day or the month of January to make an inventory of your blessings. Start by asking your kids questions: Do you have good food on the table? Clothes to wear? Toys to play with? Family and friends who love you? Then pause and thank God for His gifts. Separate privileges from rights. After years of campaigning, an 11-year-old finally convinced her mother to let her take horseback riding lessons. The mother explained that the lessons were costly, that the mother would have to take on extra work to pay for them and that the daughter would have to do additional chores around the house. The daughter fulfilled her part admirably, and in the process learned about sacrifice, appreciation and the value of money. With this approach, kids perceive privileges as gifts, not rights. Harness the power of ownership. My friend trained her daughter to earn her own money to pay for extras. When they are shopping and the “I want, I need, I have to have” sentences come up, she asks: “Do you have enough money to buy it”? The sense of gratitude is much greater when the daughter spends her own money. Tell kids what you expect. A few months after I got my driver’s license, my mom became annoyed with me for never filling up the car with gas. I was shocked – I never knew I should have! It just doesn’t occur to most kids to show appreciation without a little prompting from their parents – like thanking the host for being invited to a party or writing a thank-you note to Grandma. Recognize the spiritual battle. Scripture repeatedly exhorts us to worship, praise and give thanks to God. Thanking God keeps us focused on Him, helping us avoid Satan’s distractions. A 12-year-old talked to his brother about a boy on his swim team: “He brags a lot, but he’s so good he deserves to brag.” His mom overheard and dived right in: “No, he does not deserve to brag. He has a gift. This boy works at it, but God gave him that body to swim.” Use a gratitude journal. Last year, I read about the concept of a gratitude journal – a place to record those divine gifts and answered prayers that we might otherwise overlook. I try to use it daily. After a year, I am astonished at the results. I notice much more, and my attitude often changes as I hunt for things to write down. For example, on one seemingly unnoteworthy day I wrote that I appreciated my husband taking out the garbage. Then I realized how often my husband does small things for me that I overlook. I realized he is faithful in small and large things and never asks for recognition.

Gratitude changes everything. Cultivating the habit of gratitude takes effort, but it yields rich dividends. A thankful heart and the ability to express gratitude make a dramatic difference in our children’s relationship to others and especially in their relationship to God.

Suzanne Woods Fisher is an adviser to Christian Parenting Today, where this article first appeared in January/February 1999; it is reprinted with permission. She and her husband Stephen live in Hong Kong with their four children.

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Last modified November 3, 1999.

© 1999 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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